Quickies Jokes
Various Topics
Jokes Jokes Jokes

Mood Ring Jokes

 
My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. 

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. 

Maybe he will be buying me a diamond next time!!!

Why God invented Menopause Jokes

 With all the new technology regarding fertility, A 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby.  When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
 
"May we see the new baby?” someone asked.  "Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
 
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
 
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
 
"No," Replied the mother.
 
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN We see the baby?"
 
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
 
"WHEN IT CRIES??" They demanded.  "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
 
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it!"

A Rebellion in the Kingdom Jokes

A king worried about a possible rebellion.

He ordered three Counts be brought in.

He asked the first if he planned a rebellion.

The Count wouldn't answer, so the King had him guillotined.

He then asked the second Count.

He would not talk, so he was guillotined.

The King then turned to the third Count.

He wouldn't talk, either, and was placed in the guillotine.

At the last moment, he opened his mouth to speak. Too late. The blade fell and his head rolled.

And so the King never knew what he wanted to say. The moral:

Don't hatchet your Counts before they chicken!

Pastor’s Sermon Jokes

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.  

The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

THE PARROT  Jokes

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

PLAYING WITH GRANDPA Jokes

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."  So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

Fatherly Advice Jokes

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son.  Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Quiz for the Football Star  Jokes

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.

So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this.

What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming...,

"Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Deduction - Sherlock Holmes Jokes

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?

"Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?"

"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Disgusting Liquor - Jokes

A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."

The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."

Dog's Duty - Jokes

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, he's just for good luck.

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog's she said firmly, " to find the fire hydrant."

Doctor's Orders Jokes

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" Replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Purchasing a Turkey Jokes

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Dear Abby Jokes

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?


Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Asleep at Church Jokes

A man goes up to the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"

"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When motioned, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" He said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.

"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" Came the minister's quick reply. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" He asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr.Jones.

"My God!" Howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

"Right again!" Bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the Minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply spoke his Wife with the hat pin yet again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him His 99th son?" As Mrs. Jones screamed, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen!" Replied all the women in the congregation.

BANK ROBBER Jokes

A man entered a bank with a gun in his hand.

He bellowed, "I'm going to rob every man in this bank, and I'm going to kiss every woman."

One of the men who had accompanied his wife to the bank said, "You may rob all of us men, but you're not going to kiss all the ladies!"

His wife punched him in the ribs and said, "Now leave him alone, George. He's robbing the bank."

United Airlines agent Jokes

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" She began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.

Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

And God Created Woman Jokes

And God created woman and she had 3 boobs. 

He then asked the woman "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle boob?"

And so it was done, and it was good. 

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third boob in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" 

And God created man.

Homework Assignment Jokes

A Kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something and how it relates to the class the next day.

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk he made a small white dot on the blackboard, and then sat back down.
 
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
 
"It is a period", said the little boy.
 
"Well I can see that." she said "But what is so exciting about a period?"
 
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, my Dad had a heart attack, my Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Jesus is watching you - Jokes

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

EXPOSURE Jokes

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out." he says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

A Brief Affair

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.

After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner -- I had to do all the work."

Top Hits for Aging Rockers

For those who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news! 

Some of our favorite artists have re-released
their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate us, their aging audience...

  Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

  The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

  The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

  Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Aren't Made For Bunions"

  The Beatles - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

  Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

  Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

  Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

  Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

  ABBA - "Denture Queen"

  Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

  Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

  Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

  Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

  Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
 

Warm, Soft, & Gooey Jokes

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.

The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

Threes Jokes

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.

Something unusual was about to happen.

He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees.

He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock.

He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

Threes - that was it!

He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio!

The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.

The horse ran third.

Cure For Lateness Jokes

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.

After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Wealthy Playboy

A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.

He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

Doctors? Jokes

A bunch of first-year medical students were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "It is absolutely necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor of Medicine: the first is that you're not disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, rolled the body over and stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention"

Four Old Golfers jokes

Four old friends met one Saturday morning for a game of golf.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer, too," wheezed the second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em," said the third.

Having listened to his friends' complaints, the oldest of the four responded quietly and wisely:

"Oh, my friends, just be thankful we're still on THIS side of the grass!"

Silly Definitions

Liposuction

Letting the fat out of the bag.



Locate

Nickname for a short girl named Catherine.




Tangent

A man who spends a lot of time at the beach




Welfare for crocodiles

Gator-Aide



Rubberneck

What you do for your wife after she has had a stressful day



Slow Down Feathers

from the chest of a not-so-fast goose



Versatile

Poetry on the roof.



Axis

What hillbillies use to chop wood.



Maritime

June for many couples



Hunger

What the posse did to the lady rustler

Advice for the Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.

If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Six Legged Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

The "'Tis Bottle" 

Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck, and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis bottle."

Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad.  "I absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest mountain.  I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten million."

Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.

First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him into the jungle.  He studies for months to prepare, and when he is ready to survive, he sets out to get the bottle.  Into the jungle he goes, and after many close calls, and much loss of life, he finds the bottle.

As he is on his way out of the jungle with the bottle well packed and padded, he is attacked by wild animals, and not only is he badly mauled, but the box with the tis bottle goes flying, and box and bottle shatter.

It takes some time for him to recover from his injuries, but when he's well enough, he begins preparations to retrieve the bottle at the bottom of the sea.  He takes diving lessons, hires the newest and best deep-sea diving equipment and crew, and takes to the sea.  With little trouble, they managed to get the bottle, but on the way up, they are attacked by sharks, and have to rush to the surface.  In the hurry, the fellow not only gets the bends, but the bottle falls and breaks on the deck.  More time in the hospital later, recovering slowly, he's more determined than ever to get the third and final bottle.

He spends over a year learning mountain climbing and survival, becoming accustomed to low oxygen and heights, and planning the ultimate shatter-proof container for the bottle.  He hires a crew of experienced guides and begins his climb.  By the time they reach the top, they're low on supplies, weak, and frostbitten, but he will not give up.  The bottle is packed and secured, and the group begins the descent.  When they reach the bottom of the mountain, the fellow again has to spend time in the hospital recovering from his injuries, but he keeps the bottle with him and in sight at all times.

Finally, he's ready to present it to the wealthy man and collect his reward.

He goes to the wealthy man's house, and carefully unpacks the "tis bottle" and hands it over.  The wealthy man inspects it joyfully, and hands the fellow a check for ten million dollars.

"Thank you and good day, sir," he says, dismissing the fellow.

"Wait!"  The fellow cries, “I was attacked by wild animals, suffered the bends, and lost fingers and toes for this bottle.

I've spent years looking for it, and almost as long in the hospital from trying to get it.  Aren't you going to tell me why it's so precious and what it's for?"

"Um, it's a little embarrassing, actually.  Why don't you just take the money and go?"

"I'm not leaving here until you tell me what this bottle is for!" Shouts the fellow.

With a sigh, the wealthy man motions for the fellow to follow him. They go into the back of the house, and the wealthy man presses a hidden button to reveal a secret door. 

Behind the door is a small room with another door, behind a strong gate.  The wealthy man unlocks the gate, unlocks the door, and opens the heavy vault door behind it with a combination.  Inside the vault are thousands of bottles lined up neatly, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, with one vacant spot labeled "tis".  Gently the man places the bottle in its spot, and declares "There you go."

"Oh, come on," the fellow replies.  "There has to be more to it than that."

With a sigh, the man picks up a delicate, padded mallet that hangs nearby and gently begins striking the bottles, and a tune emerges.

"'Tis the season to be jolly..."

25 Signs that You’re Getting OLD

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and
isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

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