Drunken Mixup
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.
When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Nerd Season
A truck driver, hauling a
tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the
bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED -
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him,
sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does
for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and
the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him
a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a
skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a
pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is
at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a
shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't
worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating
Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his
beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers
to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and
computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already
forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of
engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them
wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole
load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol
officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's
wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman,
"But you can't bait 'em!"
No Dogs Allowed
A man goes to a bar with his dog.
He goes up to the bar and asks
for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't
bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a
beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man,” the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes
to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with
a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops
him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a
seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks
the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you
can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is
my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not
have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second
and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Fertile Celebration
While the bar patron savored a
double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender
served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said,
"This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she
replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he
asked.
"For years I've been trying to
have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said,
lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken
farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally
fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said,
smiling.
Do You Serve Lawyers?
A man walked into a bar, leading
an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers
here?"
"Sure do," said the bartender.
"Good," replied the man. "Give me
a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Superman
Tom and Clark were standing on
the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break and Clark
said, "Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you
get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third
floor?"
"Get outta here," said Clark.
"No I'm serious, watch me."
lark hopped off the building and
sure enough, he was taken in by the draft at the third floor window. He took
the elevator back to the top and Tom and a security guard that arrived were
standing there, Tom in awe.
"I can't believe it." Said Tom.
"I know you should try it Tom."
So Tom hopped off and plunged
into the ground.
"Superman you're an asshole when
you're drunk." said the security guard.
Long But Silent
A guy is sitting all alone at a
bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...
The
bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to
the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have
ever seen."
The man replied by saying I don’t think so. I can get any lady
that I want.
The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond
sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he
bet $50 that he couldn’t get the woman to even talk to him.
The ugly man
agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door
with her.
The bartender accepted.
The ugly man walked over the girl jumped
into his arms and they walked out the door.
The bartender went over to the
boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"
The man replied
with "I don’t know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows." |
