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Smelling What You EatA blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great; I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?" BrowsingA blind man walks into a store with his Seeing Eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." The Soccer StarsA teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being referred to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!" Helen Keller JokesQ: What is Helen Keller's favorite color? A1: Corduroy. A2: Velcro. Q. Why is all of Helen Keller's face burnt? A. She was bobbing for French fries. Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? A: She answers the iron. Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? A: They called back. Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg wet? A: Her dog was blind too. Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A. she needs the other to moan with. Q. How did she burn her fingers? A. Reading the waffle iron Q. What did she do when she fell down the well? A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue. Q. How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff? A. She was wearing mittens Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants? A. So you can read her lips Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide? A. You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'. Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll? A. Wind it up and it walks into walls. Q. What's this (slowly waving fingers)? A. Helen Keller moaning Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world? A: The guy, who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't scream for help. Q: How come Helen Keller can't have kids?? A: Because she's DEAD! Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy? A. Trying to read a stucco wall. Q: What did HK's parent's do to punish her? A1: Rearranged the furniture A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet. A4: Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the corner A5: Washed her hands out with soap A6: Gave her bird-seed to read. A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? A1: She's a woma A: Trying to read stop signs. Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face? A: Learning to eat with a fork. Q: What's the name of Helen Keller's favorite book? A: "Around the block in 80 Days" Q: Define true love. A: Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis. Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard? A: Neither did she. Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car? A: One hand on the wheel; the other on the road. Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband? A: On a blind date! Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear? A: Answering the stapler. Q: How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class? A: They made her wear mittens. Q: Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper? A: So she could always find him. Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers? A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriend’s ear Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out? A: She shouted hysterically. Non-seeing Eye DogA blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass." Done By SmellA woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50." |
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