Blonde Wreckless Driving
A State
Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde
lady driver.
"Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an
accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the
right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
Blonde Interpreter
Two tourists were driving through
Louisiana.
As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one
tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle
an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the
counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.
Blonde Shampoo
A blonde and a brunette are both in an
elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on
who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but
unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets
off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors close, the
brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head &
Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies, "How
do you give Shoulders?"
Blonde Escapee
Three women escaped from prison. One was
a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.
They ran for miles until they
came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest.
When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb
into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff
and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and
check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he
saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out
what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead
in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog
in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the
brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was
a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the
blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and
finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."
Blonde Murder Victim
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the
actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of
San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby
supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in
her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands
behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a
while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was
okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and
had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the
paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda
refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they
found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A
Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered
and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and
came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Oceans of Blondes
This blonde was driving down an
old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.
She pulls over to the side of the
road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the
road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more
she called out to the blonde in the field.
"Why are you rowing a boat in the
middle of the field?"
The blonde in the field stops
rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."
The blonde standing on the side
of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It is
blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
The blonde in the field just
shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the
road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then
yelled, "If I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass."
Blonde Dildo
This guy just started at his new
job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has
to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat
reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the
guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white
dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black
one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35
for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black
one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman
comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
Blonde Breast Stroke
A blonde, a red head and a
brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition.
The redhead won and the brunette
came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours
and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was
losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and
relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After
all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered,
"I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white
one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35
for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take
the white one. I've never had a white one before." She pays him, and off
she goes.
About an hour later a young
blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for
the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that
plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special
dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and
answers, "I'll take the plaid one; I've never had a plaid one before." She
pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss
returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the
salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black
dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
Distressed
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, "Shut up! You're next!" |
