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My Dog
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!
As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.
But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Dog Wisdom
"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
HEAVEN KNOWS
A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.
At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" The traveler asked.
"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" He called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" The traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" The traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Talking Dog
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with!
Why, they have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" His father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" His father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" Says his father, "No kidding!
What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.
When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' “The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
Mean Pit Bull
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
Get in line." |
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