HALLOWEEN JOKES
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes
to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a
pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg
and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir,
sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will
cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden
leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of
complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a jar of caramel.
Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass
and go as a Candy Apple!"
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being
spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it
was still early; she decided to go the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here
and a little kiss there.
His wife got close up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just
arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume
to......."
A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night.
It's dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps coming.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness,
and he can just see an upright coffin.
No one seems to be holding the coffin; it's just bumping down the street behind
him.
The man is scared. He's sure it's following him! In an effort to shake it off,
her turns a corner. To his relief, the sound stops. He keeps walking but before
a minute has passed, he hears the familiar sound behind him again:
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
He is terrified! He starts to run towards his home, but the faster he runs, the
faster the coffin bounces along behind him!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
He pushes open his front gate, and runs up the path, fumbling for his keys. The
coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It's right behind
him!!!
Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. He has no time to
slam it behind him; the coffin is right on his heels! He rushes up the stairs,
praying the coffin cannot climb after him.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
The coffin pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathes a sigh of relief
but ...
clappity BUMP...
clappity BUMP...
clappity BUMP...
The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind him. He runs to the bathroom
perhaps he can lock himself in there! His heart pounds and his lungs hurt with
the exertion of running for his life! He has only just latched the bathroom door
when ...
CRASH!!!
The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!
What can he do? The coffin is nearly upon him! He reaches out for something
heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large
bottle of cough syrup.
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and
...........
...........
(Wait for it)
...........
...........
..........finally the coffin stops!!
1. Give away something other than candy.
(Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some
people come.
When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag and
yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them; scratch your head and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and
crackers.
Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters.
When trick or treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you
got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your
living room.
When the trick or treaters come to the door, say, "Come in."
When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to
come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher.
Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the
trick or treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish.
Immediately collapse and don't move or say anything until the trick or treaters
go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one
candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the
trick or treaters, act shocked and scared and start screaming your head off.
Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick or treaters
each do ten push ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick or
treaters and let them order their candy.
Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult.
Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of
your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump
out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your
house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.
Stare at the trick or treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start
flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored
eggs.
If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over
from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.
Angrily give the trick or treaters a two hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M
& M's and several half eaten candy bars in your hands.
Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds and insist
that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of
aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the
pumpkin on a throne on your porch.
Insist that all of the trick or treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.
Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at
the trick or treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
A black boy and his sister were out trick or treating.
They go to the first house and ring the bell, the door soon opens.
The owner asks "What are you two dressed as?"
The black boy says, "We're dressed as Jack and Jill."
"You can't be Jack and Jill, they are white.” the owner replied.
The children got their candy, thought about what they could say they were
dressed as and went to the next house.
They rang the bell; the owner opened the door and asked them the same question
the previous homeowner had asked.
The little girl replied, "We are dressed as Hansel and Gretel."
The owner told them they could not dress as Hansel and Gretel, since they were
not white, like Hansel and Gretel.
The children thought long and hard about their dilemma as they moved to the next
house.
The little boy came up with an idea and told his sister to take off her clothes.
Naked, they walked up to the door and rang the bell.
As the owner opened the door, the little boy piped up "We're dressed as Hershey
bars, one with nuts, one without nuts."
Halloween Definitions
Bobbing Apples: What happens when
you leave your bra off while running.
Boogieman: Guy who passes time at
a stoplight picking his nose.
Coffin: What you do when you get
a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug
of beer.
Full Moon: What your repairman
reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
Goblin: How you eat the snickers
bars you got for Halloween.
Invisible Man: What a guy becomes
when there's housework to be done. ....... Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish
Pumpkin.
Jack the Ripper: What Jack does
to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
Mummy: Who kisses the boo boo
after you scrape your knee.
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin
wears when trying to quit smoking.
Skeleton: Any supermodel.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a
baseball with.
Witch: See "Mother in Law."
Zombie: What you look like before
that first cup of morning coffee.
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.
Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves,
and doesn't say Thank You.
How much does a truck full of bones
weigh?
A skel‑e‑ton.
In what room of the house would you
never find a ghost?
The living room.
How do you help chickens that are
possessed by evil spirits?
Get an "eggsorcist".
What did the hobo vampire say to the
rich man?
"Can I put the bite on you for a free meal?"
What if you crossed a rabbit with a
wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.
What is a Zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.
Vampire Jokes
What do you get when you cross a vampire
with a cow?
A hamburger that bites back!
Where did they put Dracula when he was
arrested?
In a red blood cell!
What do you get when you cross a vampire
with a dwarf?
A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!
Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul.
How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.
How can you tell if a vampire is lazy?
He uses leeches.
Where does Count Dracula make his
withdrawals?
At the blood bank.
How do vampires get around on Halloween
night?
By blood vessels.
What do you get if you cross Jesse James
and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.
What did Dracula say then he saw a
giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.
Why did the vampire quit the baseball
team?
They would only let him be BAT boy.
I got real beat up...
I went to a
party dressed as a Piñata.
Why did the other kids have to let the
vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!
What do you get if you cross a vampire
bat and a mummy?
A flying band aid or a gift wrapped bat.
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the
Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.
What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!
Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them awake all day!
What type of coffee do vampires prefer?
Decoffinated!
What did the hobo vampire say to the
rich man?
"Can I put the bite on you for a free meal?"
She's a goblin!
I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
Let me see your bag... Oh! You're having a great night!
Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
You scared me stiff.
He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor.
Why was the student vampire tired in the
morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test.
What is a Vampire's favorite fruit?
Neck tarines
Why didn't Dracula ever get married?
He just never found the right ghoul.
What did Dracula say to Wolfman after
introducing his new girlfriend?
"I've always been a sucker for a pretty face".
What happened to the Vampire who tried
to gain weight by eating more?
It didn't work... it was all in vein.
How can you spot a Vampire jockey?
They always win by a neck.
What flies through the night, has a
black cape, and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape.
Why aren't vampires good gamblers?
They always make "sucker bets”.
Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago.
First
Witch: "What are you doing?
Second Witch: "I am making a special Halloween potion that requires eye of a
werewolf, gizzard of a ghoul, liver of a vampire, horn from a unicorn, and heart
of a lawyer.
So far, I have everything I need except the heart of a lawyer."
First Witch: "Good luck!"
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween.
Consider some old Halloween activities.
WITCH BURNING
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like
stink on a skunk! What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches,
are today respected as complexion impaired, wardrobe challenged women.
WINDOW WAXING
These days you'll only set off the light, noise, motion, and aroma sensitive
burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights if you're lucky
enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
TRICK OR TREATING
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering]
statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the
civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the
candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves.
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft bristle
toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride free) dentifrice.
Apples should be organic, Alar free, union packed, washed in genuine American
Zephyrhills water, and X rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be
housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they
so choose, given refugee status in yours.
Answer
your door dressed as a pilgrim.
Stare at the 'trick or treaters' for a moment,
pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
A cab driver picks up a nun.
She gets into the back of the cab, and the driver can’t stop staring at her.
From behind her vale, she musters a gentle voice and asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to risk offending
you, dear Sister."
Feeling bold, the Sister speaks to the driver: "My dear son, you cannot offend
me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a
chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be
single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver gives a whoop of Joy, and is very excited! "Yes, I am single and
I'm Catholic too!"
The nun instructs the driver to pull into an alley where they full fill the
driver’s fantasy, tongue and all.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear
child, says the nun, why are you crying so?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, and I must confess. I'm married
and I'm a Baptist!"
The nun says, "That's OK, honey. I lied too. She extends her hand for him to
hold, and whispers: Here's my phone number. I'm just on my way on the way to a
Gay Halloween party and my name's Victor."
Why do Vampires tend to make great
artists?
They get lots of practice drawing blood.
What do Vampires enjoy most about
baseball?
The bats.
What does a Vampire say when he thinks
he's in trouble?
"I have a bat feeling about this."
Where do Vampires go to deposit their
savings?
Blood bank
Is it true that a Vampire can't hurt you
if you're carrying a torch?
Yes, but it depends on how fast you carry it!
What is the favorite drink of overweight
Vampires?
"Blood Lite"
Why did the Vampire never marry?
He wanted to remain a Batchelor
What is a Vampire's favorite sport?
Casket Ball!!!
What did the bartender say to the
Vampire?
This blood's for you!
Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!
What is it like to be kissed by a
Vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
Little
Johnny is dressed as a pirate for Halloween.
He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers. She says "Well, well little
boy, what are you supposed to be?"
Little Johnny says "I am a pirate."
She says "Well where are your buccaneers?"
"Right here under my bucken hat," replies Little Johnny
What four things do monsters enjoy
eating on Halloween?
Ghoulash, I scream with booberry pie and ghoul aid.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body
What do you get if you cross a vampire
bat and a mummy?
A flying band aid, or a gift wrapped bat.
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.
How do ghosts get through locked doors?
They use skeleton keys.
What subject do all witches do best at
in school?
Spelling.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
Neck tarines.
What do you call a ghost with a broken
leg?
A hobblin goblin.
What's invisible and very frightened?
A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride?
Night mare
What do you use to erase a ghost?
White‑out
What do you get if you remove the
insides of a hotdog?
A "hollow weenie"
What do ghosts enjoy for lunch?
Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies and a salad with boocheese dressing.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes
all the fun out of Halloween.
A Brazilian, attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, was dancing with a tourist
girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume.
Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
"What the hell happened?" Asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event.
"I'm not really sure." The man replied, rubbing his red cheek.
"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show
her, and she let me have it."
What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a Vampire?
Frostbite.
Why did the Vampire give his girlfriend
a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs
and goes "Quack Quack"?
Count Duckula.
What do you get when you cross Dracula
with Sleeping Beauty?
Tired Blood.
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How can you tell when a Vampire has been
in a bakery?
All the jam has been sucked out of the jam doughnuts.
Where does Dracula water ski?
Lake Erie.
Where does Dracula usually go for his
lunch?
At the casketeria.
How can you tell that a Vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.
Which building does Dracula visit in New
York?
The Vampire State Building.
Why couldn't the Vampire's wife get any
sleep?
Because of his coffin.
What songs does a Vampire hate?
"You are my sunshine" and "Sunshine on my shoulders"
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
Because of his bat temper.
What's soft, moldy, and flies?
A spoiled bat
Pump Kin
Your
teeth keep falling into your 'Trick Or Treat' bag.
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.
So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to
wear.
When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the
bed is a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Superman?
Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement.
The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the
bed, is a Batman costume.
He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing?
Have you ever heard of a black Batman?
Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.
When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three
items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is 2 x 4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "take your clothes off.
You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino.
If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo.
And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a
fudgesicle.
The witch's favorite subject in school
was spelling.
Zombie: What you look like before that
first cup of morning coffee.
What happened to the monster children
who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the
Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with.
Whom did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up.
What does a ghost eat for breakfast??
Scream of wheat!
At the Halloween ball the
ghosts danced sheet to sheet.
A pagan
holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Association
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears
some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770 1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By
the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being
played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in
which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then
the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" The caretaker says incredulously.. . . "He's decomposing!"
You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.
If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
You have less guilt the next morning.
If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!
Q: How do you keep a skeleton from
laughing?
A: Take away his funny bone!
Q: What two types of music do mummies
like best?
A: Rag time and Wrap.
Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the
dance?
A: Because he had no body to take!
Q: What do ghosts enjoy for lunch?
A: Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies and a salad with boocheese
dressing.
You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
The person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.
If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
You have less guilt the next morning.
If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!
Q: How do you keep a skeleton from
laughing?
A: Take away his funny bone!
Q: What two types of music do mummies
like best?
A: Rag time and Wrap.
Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the
dance?
A: Because he had no body to take!
Q: What do ghosts enjoy for lunch?
A: Boologna sandwiches, peanutbooter cookies and a salad with boocheese
dressing.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when
they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul aid
What do you call a ghost with a broken
leg?
Hoblin Goblin.
What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A Boo logna sandwich.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Day scare centers.
Why are monsters huge and hairy and
ugly?
Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms
Why aren't there any famous skeletons?
They're a bunch of no bodies.
Why did the impotent guy date the witch?
Because she always scared him stiff!
Justin Tyme
Yetta Nother
Barry A. Live
Dawn Under
Ted N. Buried
Yul B. Next
Bill M. Later
Lefty B. Hynde
Kerry M. Off
Fester N. Rott
Reid N. Weep
Sue D. Bum
Jess Gough
Barry M. Deep
U.R. Gone
Otta B. Alive
Mummy B. Ware
Will B. Back
Berry D. Hatchet
R.U. Next
Dr. Izzy Gone
Emma Ghost
M.T. Tomb
Why did the vampire go to the
orthodontist?
To improve his bite.
What do you get when you cross a vampire
and a snowman?
Frostbite.
Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
How do witches keep their hair in place
while flying?
With scare spray.
What do you get when you cross a
werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their
fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the
town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with.
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
Casketball.
What would a monster's psychiatrist be
called?
Shrinkenstein.
What did one ghost say to the other
ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
Thirsty Vampires
Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what
they'll have?
Did you hear about the unsuccessful
vampire hunter?
He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because
steaks were too expensive!
Western Union opened an office in a
grave yard so the spooks could send and receive crypt o gram.
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.
Why did Dracula break up with his
sweetie?
She wasn't his blood type.
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
What do you call Count Dracula's
cookout?
Vampire campfire.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.
Why did the ghost get a gun?
He wanted to be a deer haunter!
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Mr. Hyde: What a guy becomes when
there's housework to be done.
What do you call someone who puts poison
in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.
Why do mummies have trouble keeping
friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves.
What kind of streets do zombies like the
best?
Dead ends.
What does the papa ghost say to his
family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts.
What is a vampire's favorite mode of
transportation?
A blood vessel.
What is a ghost's favorite mode of
transportation?
A scareplane.
What type of dog do vampire's like the
best?
Bloodhounds.
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon-slime.
What does a vampire never order at a
restaurant?
A stake sandwich.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical
instrument?
A trombone.
What do birds give out on Halloween
night?
Tweets.
Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath.
What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure.
Why did the Vampire subscribe to the
Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked
himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until
finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind
him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" He asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" The bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help
keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this
and every year.
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's
really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should
not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long
run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any
other house of the dead as well.
If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that
it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits;
just get out.
Stay away from
certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm
Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one),
anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the
Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in
Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to he nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you
ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, hoot yourself
instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. Do not
take ANYTHING from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it.
Don't stop and look around.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what
you're doing.
If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at east twice,
more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running
and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as
hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on,
kill them immediately.
If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in
with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who
went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house,
women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare
suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
Do not go looking for witches in the
Maryland
countryside.
What's wrong, are you blind?
I'm the invisible man Why can you not see?
Mother vampire to son: Hurry up and eat
your breakfast before it clots.
Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a
baseball with.
What do you call a middle eastern exotic
dancing mummy?
A gauza stripper
What happened to the monster that took
the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
An apparition attired in green and red
was questioned about its unusual attire.
"I'm a Christmas wraith" was the reply.
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he is always a goblin.
A ghoul stood on the moonlit bank
his bones were all aquiver...
He gave a cough
his leg fell off
and floated down the river!
Two nuns are traveling through
Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at
the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts
the second.
The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and
hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again
at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!"
Rocky the Trick or Treater
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing
gloves and satin shorts.
Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
three more times tonight too."
What do you get when you bite a ghost?
A mouth full of sheet .
What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones
How do you slay a vampire?
Put a bunch of reindeer in front of him.
Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line.
What do cows do on Halloween night?
Trick or teat!
At the Halloween ball, a number of the ghosts became drunk and disorderly.
One of the ghouls observed, "Just like when he was alive working as a bicycle
mechanic, the bartender got the spooks too tight."
All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous blonde walked into the costume party
stark naked.
The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed
through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a d***!"
"Oh, I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes..."
Yo Mama's so ugly, she gets 364
extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
What do you get if you cross Jesse James
and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.
What was the werewolf's first name?
Harry
What's black, white, orange, and
waddles?
A penguin with a jack o lantern.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.
If you want to deliver mail to
skeletons, try the bony express
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas scare a.
What's frightening and stuck on the end
of your arm?
A terror wrist.
Who is the witch’s favorite singer?
Robert Ghoulet
What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!
What should you say when you meet a
ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"
You don't have to worry about Daylight
Saving Time at Halloween.
The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.
What happened to the monster that took
the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
A new book about a cross dressing
vampire is called
"Dragula."
Mummy: Who kisses the boo boo after you
scrape your knee.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their
fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a
smile.
One usually makes a better pie.
They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
Knock, Knock. Who's there?
Phillip! Phillip who?
Phillip my bag with candy!
Aries pushes the others aside to
get to the door first.
Taurus will only eat the finest
of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini goes around the
neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
Cancer stays at home and gives
candy to the other trick-or- treaters.
Leo plans their costume for
months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.
Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit
and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.
Libra is still standing in front
of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
Scorpio isn't in it for the
candy.
Sagittarius will manage to wander
to the next town.
Capricorn makes a list of all the
houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
Aquarius builds their costume out
of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Pisces skips the whole thing to
compose poetry to the Moon.
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack
What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby
ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to.
What time would it be if five demons
were chasing you?
Five after one.
Torch between my legs I'm dressed as
Pinocchio
Great balsa fire!
The egotistical mummy was all wrapped up
in himself.
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Witches, goblins, and ghouls go to their
favorite bar and sing "S Karaoke"
What did the mother ghost say to the
baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
What do you call a skeleton that won't
get out of bed?
Lazy Bones
People who play the stock market get happy on Halloween. Why?
Its ticker treat night!
What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What monster flies his kite in a rain
storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein.
What is a ghost's favorite ice cream
flavor?
Boo berry.
A bald-headed ghost
Drank some witches' brew
And on top of his head
A strange thing grew.
It was pointed and tall
And black as a bat
With stringy long hair
Where his head was flat.
The sad little ghost
Didn't want any hair
Or a black pointed hat
So he said, "Witch beware!"
Then he chanted some words
With a spell-casting switch
And gave Halloween Night
A bald-headed witch!!
~Barbara M. Hales~
