JokeJam.com
8/4/2003
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Civilized Tribe
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of Heavy sexual activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Petmeds
What's Your Name?
This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time.
A friendly little boy said his name was "David, what is yours?"
"Happy Butt" she says.
"Don't lie to me, that isn't your name! What is your name?"
"Happy Butt" she says again.
"I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" He shouts.
He gets the teacher and says she is lying to him about her name.
"What is your name?" Asks the teacher. "Happy Butt" says the little girl.
"No, no," says the teacher. "What is your real name?"
"Happy Butt" replies the little girl.
"Shame on you for lying." Says the teacher. "You go straight to the
principal's office right this minute!"
"Why are you here?" Asks the principal of the little girl.
"They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt." Said the
little girl.
"Your name can't be Happy Butt" says the principal. "I'm going to call your
mother right this minute and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us
about your name."
The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little girl here and
she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'"
"Oh, that must be Gladys," says the mother.
"Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys," says the
principal. The little girl replies, "Happy Butt, Glad ass, what's the
difference?"
Death Bed
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and
four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth
and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child
really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you
if--"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I
swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other
three."
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ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic
washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the
person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further
steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the
tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the
draining board.
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the
gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because
of the draft.
Please use side entrance)
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your
wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand.
Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District
Council.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed
of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For
anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the
first floor.
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer
allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you
cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can
repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON
OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
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Quote of the Day
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
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How you know if you're an elementary school teacher
1. You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout
line?
2. You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
3. You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with
a group of friends?
4. You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. You refer to "snack time" as "happy hour"?
6. You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they
leave your home?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your
car?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" To the mechanic who fails to
repair your car?
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in
the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the
money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with
the group?
If you answered yes to more than two of the above items, you are hooked on
teaching.
If you answered yes to more than half of them, you're probably beginning to
think about retirement.
If you answered yes to more than ten, you'll always be a teacher, retired or
not!
Psychologist at Work
There was once a child physiologist who decided to try a bold experiment.
He took two young boys to a farm. Took them to stalls in the barn which were
filled with horse manure.
Locked each boy in his own stall.
Upon returning in 30 minutes he opened Johnny's stall to find him crying and
sobbing.
"It stinks in here, it's dirty and my clothes are ruined. Please let me
out!" He said.
After sending Johnny to get cleaned up and fresh cloths they opened to door
to Tommy's stall.
He was jumping and throwing manure all around the stall. He seemed to be
having a good time.
When asked why he was so joyful he replied, "With all this horse shit there
must be a pony in here somewhere!"
Why do Brides wear white?
So the dishwasher and the refrigerator match.
Bears in Divorce Court
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in
family court.
Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he
was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about
living with either of his parents.
When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I
can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" Replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would
like to stay with?" Asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" Asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
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