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8/6/2003
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Black and White
A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved in
with a primitive native tribe.
He spent several years with the people, during which he particularly
stressed the evil of sexual sin...no adultery, no fornication!
One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child.
The child was white! This caused quite a stir in the village.
The chief sent for the missionary, and said,
"You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who
gives birth to a white child. And you are the only white man in a distance
of a five days walk! What is the explanation?"
The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man, you are mistaken. This is a
natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino. Nature does this on
some occasions. For example, look there at that flock of sheep. They are all
white, except among them -- look there is one black sheep. Could you explain
this to me?"
The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "O.K. Tell you what
father. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say
anything about the white child."
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DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little"
accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
* Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
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PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into" special
prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions.
Mirror, Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom
door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror,
on my door, make my bust-line forty-four.
" Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to
enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they
both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the
door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash ...... and both his legs fall off.
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Sexual Exhaustion
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class.
He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his
class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's
immediate family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke
up.
"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young
man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your
other hand."
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YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.
If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.
If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of
fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical
inaccuracies.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener
and your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to
the front to fix it.
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and
have seen most of the shows already If you can type 70 words a minute but
can't read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:/ stands for.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.
Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, etc) If the only jokes you receive are
through e-mail.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
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Father forgive me for I have sinned
A priest was called away for an emergency.
Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend
from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to
do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have
sinned. I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive
me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replies, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I
have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replies, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times; we have a special this week, three for
$5.00."
"I went to a general store. They
wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
Steven Wright
The Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows
1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
4. Call me any time; I'm always available.
5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
MOM'S DICTIONARY
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be
self-cleaning.
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