JokeJam.com
8/8/2003
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DOG CROSS BREEDS
If you cross a Pekingese with a
Llasa Apso, do you get a Peekasso (an
abstract dog)?
Here are some more breeds to consider:
A great Pyrenees + a
Dachshund = a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
A Pekingese + a
Dachshund = a Peking dach, preferred by people from China
A Kerry Blue Terrier + a
Bloodhound = a blueblood, a favorite breed of high
society
A Poodle + a Great Pyrenees = Poopyree, a dog that smells like dried flowers
A Pointer + a
Setter = a Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
An Irish Spaniel + an
English Springer Spaniel = an Irish Springer, a dog
fresh and clean as a whistle
A Kerry Blue Terrier + a
Skye Terrier = a Blue Skye, a dog for optimists
A Smooth Fox Terrier + a
Chow = a Smooch, a dog that loves to kiss
An Airedale + a
Spaniel = an Ariel, a dog that brings in good TV reception
A Labrador Retriever + a
Curly coated Retriever = a Lab Coat Retriever, a
favorite choice for research scientists
A Terrier + a
Bulldog = a Terribull, a dog who is very hard to train
A Keeshond + a
Setter = a Keester, a notoriously lazy breed
A Bloodhound + a
Labrador = a Blabrador, a dog which barks a lot
A Chihuahua + a
Whippet = a Chiapet, for only $19.95, as seen on TV
A Boxer + a
German Shorthair = a Boxer Shorts, a dog never seen in public
A Basenji + a
Schipperke = a Baserke, a dog that's just mad about its owner
A Malamute + a
Point = a Moot Point, a dog owned by...oh well, it doesn't
matter anyway
A Collie + a
Malamute = a Commute, a dog that favors living on subways
A Deerhound + a
Terrier = a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
And finally... A Newfoundland + a
Basset Hound = a Newfound Asset Hound, a
dog for financial advisors
Petmeds
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
The Period
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher
was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report
on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot
himself."
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At the circus show, a crocodile and its tamer come on the stage.
The man opens up its mouth wide, then drops his costume and inserts his
penis in it, then closes its mouth.
He takes a hammer and hits on its head a few times. Then opens its mouth and
shows that he is still OK.
The man shouts the audience jokingly: "Is there anyone brave enough to try
that?"
An older woman stands up and says: "I can do that, provided that you don't
hit me so hard!"
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Actual signs and advertisements
- "Boy required to open oysters about 16 years old."
- "If you don't eat here, we will both starve!"
- "Thirst come; thirst served."
- Sign in a dentist's office: "Special pains given to children."
- "Men's suits. $5 each. They won't last a day!"
- For a fireman's ball: "You come to our dance. We'll come to your fire."
- "Do not go elsewhere to be cheated. Buy your shoes here."
- "If your hair is not becoming to you, you should be coming to us."
- "Don't drive as if you own the road. Drive as if you own the car."
- "Can lost by an elderly gentleman with a curiously carved head."
- Sign on dam: "U.S. Government Property. Do Not Remove."
- "Try out cough syrup. You'll never get any better."
- "Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it."
- "Dreaded veal cutlets today."
- "Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the manager."
- "Warning! To touch the overhead wires means instant death. Anyone touching
them will be prosecuted!"
- In a Laundromat: "When the machine stops working.
Remove all your clothes."
- "Buy a frankfurter and roll downstairs."
- "Stay in school and be up to know good."
- Sign in a paint store: "Husbands choosing colors must have a note from
their wives."
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Time To Go To School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I SHOULD go to school."
"Well, for one, your 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR DOG
1. When your loved one comes home, run to greet him
2. Eat with gusto
3. When it is hot, drink lots of water
4. Take naps
5. Don't bite, just growl
6. Give unconditional love
7. Stay close to your loved one in times of distress
8. When you want something badly, dig for it
You just might be a graduate student if...
...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
...you have ever, for a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of
your own joke across the Internet.
...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopies while researching a
single paper.
...there is a microfiche reader in the library that you consider "yours"
...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the
library.
...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the
distraction of classes.
...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
...your professors don't really care when you turn in your work anymore.
...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual
text.
...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just
trying to keep them all in the same general area.
...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
...you reflexively start analyzing those Greeks letters before you realize
that it's just a sorority sweatshirt and not an equation.
...you find yourself explaining to young children that you are in the "20th"
grade.
...you start referring to stories like "Snow White, et. Al."
...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting
scurvy.
...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
Did you hear about the first documented over-dose of Viagra?
Some guy took 11 pills............his wife died.
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