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8/11/2003
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Immortal Dolphins
A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it
into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets.
One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an
exotic pet shop and said to the salesman, "Show me the most unusual pet you
have in stock!"
The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were
frolicking happily.
"These may LOOK like ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were
given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to
genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on
these little guys.
They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as
they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they will live more or
less forever."
The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash
to buy the dolphins and have a suitable home for them installed in his
backyard.
The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them,
and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly fifteen years,
much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived.
The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving
his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will.
But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic.
Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his precious
dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for
them had to be derived from the feathers of the blue savannah parrot that
lived on the jungle fringes of Africa.
The man didn't think twice.
He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa,
and rented a jeep and a guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these
parrots.
They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged into
the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand.
After about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and the
man decided that would be enough feathers to make enough antibiotic for his
pets.
So he trudges back out toward the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion
had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the path between him and
the jeep.
He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled
leaving him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on either
side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So he backs up
about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a
dash for the jeep and drives off for the airport.
Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some
flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a policeman steps up to him
and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - "
The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I
need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for my dolphins so
they don't die!"
"Well, sir," the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the
problem.
I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the stately lion for immortal
porpoises."
Petmeds
Telltale signs of advanced Parenthood
- You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
- You hide in the bathroom just to get some alone-time.
- Your child spits up and you catch it.
- Someone else's kid spits up nearby and you go right on eating.
- You consider finger-paint to be a controlled substance.
- You've mastered the art of placing large amounts of scrambled
eggs and pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching".
- You don't allow your kids to play with any weapon-toys, and your child
chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
- You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.
- You con your kid into thinking that "Toys R Us" is a toy MUSEUM and not
really a store.
- For supper, you serve "steak" or "white steak" because we all know that
"meat" comes from animals.
- You fast-forward through the scene where Bambi's mom gets killed.
- You hear YOUR parent's voice when it's you that screams "Not in THOSE
clothes you don't!"
- You hire a sitter because the two of you haven't been out in ages, and
then spend half the night calling home to check on the kids.
- Rock concerts give you a headache.
- You start offering to cut up other people's food for them.
Family Traditions
A young West Virginian couple is only a week away from being married.
They sit down for breakfast one day and the girl says to her fiancé, "Honey,
I just want you to know that I have never been with a man, I am still a
virgin."
The guy looks stunned, gets up and runs out of the house. He jumps in his
truck and speeds off leaving her very confused.
He drives across town to his father's house and tells his dad everything
that happened.
His father takes a moment and says, "Son, you did the right thing. If she
isn't good enough for her family, she sure isn't good enough for ours."
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Stories from Flight Attendants..... apologizing for rough Flight
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the
hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault.
It was the asphalt."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his
ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why
no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY.
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is
50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed
before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully
aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle.
From all of us at United Airlines
we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful
as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that
shifted during our so called "touch down."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day.
During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Overheard by a guy giving rides: "Sorry about the rough landing, but I'm
practicing for a job at SAS. Next time I'll try to lose your luggage."
Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a
boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a
fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving
in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the
space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! You
need to get off my back, man!"
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Prison vs. Work
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
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A bean supper will be held in the church basement.
Music will follow.
"Health is simply the lowest possible rate at which you can die."
Anonymous
Drug stores are being forced to increase security in the face of a rash of Viagra thefts."
Authorities believe the thefts are being carried out by "hardened
criminals."
Q: Do you know why the mushroom was invited to all the parties?
A: Because he was a fun guy to have around.
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