JokeJam.com
8/13/2003
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The Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a
young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking
for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Petmeds
A Mothers' Dictionary
AMNESIA: A condition that
enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE: An opportunity for
Daddy to get up at 2am to do the FEEDING
DEFENSE: What you'd better
have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies
wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if
the kids would care to order dessert?
FAMILY: The art of spacing
your children the proper PLANNING distance apart to keep you on the edge of
financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable
result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your
child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who
think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not
raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do
when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose
memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our
children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT! What it's too late
for your child to do by the time you scream it
PRENATAL: When your life was
still somewhat your own.
PREPARED: A contradiction in
terms CHILDBIRTH
PUDDLE: A small body of water
that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more
talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to
your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by
blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance
required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts
can't quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you
should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should
never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
VERBAL: Able to whine in
words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have
after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids
that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that
translates roughly into "get a sponge."
Caught in an Affair
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs.
Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in
your office.
Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've
cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for
thirty-five years.
What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true; you've been the best wife a man
could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when
we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to
the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,
Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
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Face Lift for his Birthday
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday.
He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home, he
stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but
how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the order clerk the
same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I were to put my hand
down your pants and play with your balls, I would be able to tell your exact
age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell, and let her slip
her hand down his pants. After a bit, the old lady says, "OK, that's fine,
I'm done...you are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant!
How did you do that?
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
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I Have Nothing to Live For
A farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a bridge when he
noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death
in the river below.
The man stopped his truck ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are
you doing this?"
The man replied, "Well, I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and father!"
The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump you stupid Yankee, jump!"
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"England and America are two countries separated by the same language."
George Bernard Shaw
Body of a 20 Year Old
A woman went to the gynecologist and was told she was in perfect health and
had the body of a 20 year old.
She was so excited, she ran home to tell her husband.
"What about your fat ass?" He asked
"He didn't say anything about you." She replied.
Bum Leg
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and
says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back"
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