JokeJam.com
8/14/2003
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Winking Problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've
graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and
your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't
hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all
sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over,
the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and
asked for aspirin?"
Petmeds
THE BACHELOR DIET
MONDAY Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some
toothpaste while brushing your teeth Lunch - Send your secretary out for six
"gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost
sixty five cents.
Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on
the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky
fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
TUESDAY Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw Lunch - Go to the office vending
machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and
eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
WEDNESDAY Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's Lunch - Rolaids and a coke Dinner - Drop in at a married friends
house and beg for scraps
THURSDAY Breakfast - Order out for pizza Lunch - Your secretary is out sick,
check Mondays gut bomber sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the
bartender for olives.
FRIDAY Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat
the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for
you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked
potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes
asparagus.
SATURDAY Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and Brussels sprouts.
Don't eat the Brussels sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging
basket.
SUNDAY Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your
old room.
New Litter of Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother," There were two boy
kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" His mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom.
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You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast.
On his way there, two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters"
and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the
bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes
on.
He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says,"
Good morning Brother."
The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of
the bed this morning."
The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says,
"Good morning Father."
The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of
the bed this morning."
Now the priest was mad.
He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone.
The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He
looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the
bed this morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is
it you want."
The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you
had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
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Pay by the Inch
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute -- a white guy, a black guy, and
a Jew.
It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the
inch." When the white man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she
charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The black guy goes in and returns with a fee of $95. The first two were
proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" Asks the
first two. "20 dollars", replies the Jew. The first two start laughing
hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out."
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"In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait."
Jose Simon
Quote of the Day
Innuendo: An Italian suppository.
MOM'S DICTIONARY
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the
kids in a different setting.
Signs You Have a Bad Neurosurgeon
During the exam, he thumps your head like a melon
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