JokeJam.com
8/18/2003
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Doctor and Plumber
Doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a plumber.
The plumber walks in and has the water back on in 5 minutes.
The plumber turns around and hands the doctor a bill for $275.00.
The outraged doctor stammers "I'm a Neuro-surgeon, not some damn dumb plumber,
and I don't even make that much for 5 minutes work!"
The plumber smiles and says "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much when I was a
Neuro-surgeon either"
Petmeds
Hang in there
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife:
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
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Late for Work
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again.
After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed.
As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled, and I decided to give the driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space.
If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
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A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT BEING FEMALE...by a female
Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know,
sometimes I forget to eat."
Well I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've
never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that case, you
don't deserve to eat.
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had
to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills, she had 14
kids, but she didn't give a damn.
My doctor said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you
don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and
then marry him.
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home
from work, then I've done my job.
I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,
smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then.
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Terrible Mistake
Four young men stood before the judge with the seriousness of accusations
against them having been explained to them.
The first man says, "Your Honor, there has been a terrible mistake. I work at a
stocking factory and tuck socks, so you see, I am a sock tucker." The judge told
him he was free to go.
The second man stands and says, "Your Honor, there's a mistake here, too. I work
in a cork plant and I wet the cork all day so that makes me a cork soaker". The
judge dismisses this case, too.
Third man stands in front of the judge and claims his innocence. "Your honor,
all I do is put Coca-Cola in bags, so I'm a Coke sacker".
The judge throws that one out and admonishes the bailiff, "What the hell is
going on here? We've had a sock tucker, a cork soaker, a coke sacker . . ."
And the fourth man says, "Don't worry your honor, I'm what you thought those
other three are!"
What is the difference between Michael
Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other
is used to carrying groceries.
The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonald's?
Fun things to do in a final exam
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is
very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
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