JokeJam.com
8/19/2003
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TATER PEOPLE. . .
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Taters."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters."
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters."
Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters."
Petmeds
Love Potient
A man enters his favorite, very elegant restaurant and while sitting at his regular booth, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of wine to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.
The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
Quickies
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
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Tough Day for the Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside." "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . . . All of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . .
...And believe me, Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
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Memory Test
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" Exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Looks are Deceiving
Charlie was lying on the couch, when his wife went over to him and removed his glasses.
"You know, dear," she said tenderly, "without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
Grinning, Charlie replied, "Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
Bedtime prayer for women
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord For all that you've done.
Neat Cab
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of
your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how
all the witnesses contradict each other."
Kite Caper
A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing down.
Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells, "You need more tail!"
He shouts back, "Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"
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