JokeJam.com
8/21/2003
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Watch Your Language
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they returned, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the
honeymoon?" Asked her mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! Romantic; it was just
great."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started
using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard
before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me
home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed!
They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please
mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these
horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama.... words like dust, wash, iron, and
cook..."
Petmeds
Words of Wisdom
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Cover Up Your Head
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in
order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.
The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere
tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling
where the brassiere came from.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place
without wearing a brassiere."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see.... And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter
THIS church like that!"
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Hot Day
It was a hot day in Iowa.
Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the
street to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She
passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at
the bar.
The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
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Mike Tyson Punishment
As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish
grade five.
This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment.
He must use each new word in a sentence.
1. Catacomb I saw Don King at da
fights the other night. Man, somebody get that cat a comb.
2. Foreclose If I pay alimony
today, I got no money fore close.
3. Rectum I had two Cadillac's,
but my bitch rectum both.
4. Disappointment My parole
officer tol me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Israel Tito try to sell me a
Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch is rael".
6. Undermine There's a fine
lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
7. Acoustic When I was little, my
uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool hall.
8. Iraq When we got to the pool
hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."
9. Stain My mother-in-law stopped
by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
10. Fortify I axed this ho on da
street, "how much?" She say "forti fy."
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How to make love
Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed.
For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave
to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps
3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after
use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.
He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Quickies
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
God must love stupid people; he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
You're Late
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
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