JokeJam.com
8/25/2003
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A Woman's Dictionary
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman
intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A
discussion that occurs when you're right but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da
chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire".
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You
bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the
onions, marinated the meat, cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta
get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You
get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say,
"Focus...breath...push...Good Girl!"
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A
drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered
peanuts.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The
last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk
up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone, who is able to create a style, you will never be able to duplicate
again. See also "Magician".
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your
lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only
a tramp would wear.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae)
n. A day ,when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance,
but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf
mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if
you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number
of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself
anyway.
Petmeds
Annual Checkup
During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto
the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get
undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed.
What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" Answered the doctor.
"Put them over here, on top of mine!"
Adios Cuba
A group of Cubans desert their island on their way to Miami.
In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans (the oldest one)
suffers a major heart attack, and as a last wish asks for a flag to say good-bye
to his dearest Cuba.
Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search desperately in
their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of their country... a
T-shirt, a handkerchief... anything.
Almost ready to abandon all hope, a 20-year-old girl interrupts their desperate
search to offer a tattoo of the flag that is inscribed on the left cheek of her
buttocks.
The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear showing the
Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek.
She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face. The old man
caresses the "flag," grabs the cheek with both hands and starts kissing the flag
with great passion, saying, "My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great
sadness. My land, my flag, Havana... I will miss you so."
After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl, "Now, Chica,
turn around, por favor. I want to kiss Castro good-bye too!"
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Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 3.0 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
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Pretty Flowers
There are these two secretaries, a Blonde and a Red Head.
The Red Head gets flowers sent to her.
The Blonde says, Boy those sure are pretty.
The Red Head says, yes and I will probably have my legs behind my head all
weekend.
The Blonde says, why? Don't you have a vase??
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Hey, Give Me a Hand!
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor.
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.
Get Me a Specimen
Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems.
After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says "Take this
home with you, and try to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it
off so I can run a few tests."
Harold takes the jar and heads home.
The next day Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor.
When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how he made out.
"Not good, Doc." Says Harold. "I went home and tried to do what you said. I
tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis....no luck. I
tried with my left hand, until I had blisters.... no luck. I asked my wife to
help me out, so she tried with her left hand and with her right hand.... no
luck. She even tried with her mouth.
She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out.... no luck.
Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help...."
"Good Grief man!" Exclaimed the doctor, "You asked your neighbor to help you?"
"Yep." Says Harold, "None of us could get the lid off that jar."
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