JokeJam.com
8/26/2003
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Big Secret
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They
pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if
they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk
if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up
to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow
at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
have intercourse with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
Petmeds
Really Big
The other day, Mike was seeing his shrink, and he asked Mike what he looked for
in a woman.
Naturally Mike replied, "Big boobs."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
Mike replied,, "Oooh, OK, seriously Bigggg BOOBS."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the
rest of your life with?"
The shrink looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch
laughing until my gut hurt.
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman?" Mike replied, "Forget it; No woman's
boobs are that big."
Men are Like a Fine Wine
God made women because men are like a fine wine.
They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them
until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
Chicken Farmer
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file
her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is
your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much
too crass.
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or
a call girl?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
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You know you're living in 2003 when.....
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" to get an
outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out-number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
And the real clinchers are...
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
15. You got this e-mail from a friend who never talks to you any more, except to
send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
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"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
Johnny Carson
3 Virgin Daughters
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short
time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she
made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on
how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but "Maxwell House".
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell
House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges".
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H
pack: "Extra Long.
King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her
daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.
Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it shaky words: "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages,
fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". Mom fainted.
Did you hear about the Amish Flu?
There are only two symptoms.
First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.
Price is Right
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
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