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8/28/2003
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Catholic Horses
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed
a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses
lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the
fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the
race.
Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest
bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was
elated!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it
always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money and by the last race, he knew his
wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which
horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race
and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was
dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What
happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you
blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants...
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Petmeds
What My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A
JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning."
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science
of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about
CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
My mother taught me about PATIENCE.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF
LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR
MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about
ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put
your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
One View
A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites.
"Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole
regiment of Yankees.
Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks.
Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union
soldiers."
A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"
"Yes ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."
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Bottomless Pit
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get
some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow.
As he walked, he came upon a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a
medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound.
As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole,
and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted.
Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed
past him, and fell in the hole.
He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again.
A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up.
The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?"
The farmer said, "Oh. That's the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you
seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No."
The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
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Look Here Mom!
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with
her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.
The trouble with Sunday drivers
is... they don't drive any better during the week.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent
until proven broke.
MISSED AGAIN
General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet
removed a button from his shirt.
He threw himself to the ground in terror.
The men stood around with the greatest unconcern.
The general yelled at a passing sergeant, "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill
that sniper?"
The sergeant looked down at the general and replied, "I guess not, general.
We're scared that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who
really knows how to shoot."
Drunk in a Bar
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time
at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!"
She screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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