JokeJam.com
8/29/2003
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Too Pushy
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your
time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum
cleaners.
"Go away!" Said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" And she proceeded to
close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide
open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damn good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
Petmeds
Spell a Word
A woman arrived at the gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all
the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello, how are you!"
"We've been waiting for you!"
"Good to see you!"
When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place!
How do I get in?!"
"You have to spell a word," St. Peter told her.
"Which word?" She asked.
"Love," replied St. Peter.
The woman correctly spelled "Love," and St. Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates
of Heaven for him that day.
While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised
to see you," the woman said "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived
in and bought a huge mansion.
My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun, and
I went water skiing today and fell and hit my head, so here I am!"
"What a bummer!" She replied.
"How do I get in?" He asked.
"You have to spell a word," she replied.
"What word?" He asked.
"Czechoslovakia," she replied.
MORAL: Never make a woman
angry.....there will be Hell to pay later
Have To Love Lawyers
A
defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the
man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No." The coroner responds.
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make
sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way.
The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be
out there practicing law somewhere."
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Better Definitions
ADULT: A person who has stopped
growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where
women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up
with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you
eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps
minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed
out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually
me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never
tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half
without damaging the paper.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes
you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one
person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with
the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives
you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest
labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly
expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people
have. You have character lines.
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Everyone has a photographic
memory.
Some just don't have film.
Where's Flipper?
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Don't be sexist -- broads hate that!
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
Will Rogers
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