JokeJam.com
9/2/2003
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A Woman's Little Instruction Book
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too
high.
Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other
things too.
A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forest Gump is unquestionably
gay.
Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them
apart.
Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find
that he does.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a
woman.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, and
loving -- they'd be wrong but you can still use them.
Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they
make great pets.
Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and
"stop" (unless they're used together).
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to
his usual self.
All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women
pass by.
If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he
is probably checking out the women behind you.
Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think
you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it
goes.
Petmeds
Test to see if you qualify for solo camping
Shine
a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into
the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a
pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small
game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a
bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road
behind a large motor home.
Effective January 1, 2004, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to
get a Swiss Army Knife.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a
snoring tent mate.
Two deaf people get married
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate
in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other
using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides
to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze
my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea,
Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
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MARKETING 101
Several women asked for an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in
bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your
friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I and reach up to
straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear
you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your
friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men
in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated
toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam.
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Explaining Time
There was
this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the
husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would
break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle
of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding battery operated pleasure
device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one."
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bum," she screamed at him, "How
could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the
toy... you explain the kids."
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Bad Potato
Tom & Susie went to a restaurant one evening. Tom was about halfway finishing
his meal when took a hard look at the potato.
He called the blonde waitress and said, "This potato is bad."
The blonde waitress picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on the plate, then
said, "If that potato causes any more trouble just let me know."
Poor Mouse
A little field mouse was running across a field one day when all at once an
eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole.
After a little while the little
mouse was able to work his way through the eagle's body and stuck his head out
of the it's rear end.
By this time, the eagle was soaring high over a
mountaintop.
"We're pretty high up, aren't we?” asked the little field mouse.
"Yeah, pretty high", agreed the eagle.
"About how high would you say we are?” queried the mouse.
"Oh....about 10,000 feet.” replied the eagle.
The little mouse paused for a moment then asked, "You wouldn't shit me would
you?"
Use that in a Sentence
Morris Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying for his US Citizenship Papers.
He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate”.... He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A
Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The Subvay Home."
Morris passed.
Times Change
The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you look like you
did when we were first married?"
"How can I?" She snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"
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