JokeJam.com
9/3/2003
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Car Accident
A swishy gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop
sign, they are rear ended by a big semi.
Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out
of the car, and goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands
on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"
The truck driver laughs and says, "Eat me!"
The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face
lights up.
He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it;
he wants to settle out of court!"
Petmeds
Bull Ride to Remember
Billy Joe and Jim Bob went to the fair.
They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a
look.
"What's going on?" Billy Joe asked one of the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said
nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "
No body has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a
prize of $100 for anybody who can.
"I can do that," Billy Joe said confidently.
"You can't! You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing," said Jim
Bob.
"Watch this," said Billy Joe and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles
but still a grim-faced Billy Joe clung to its back.
After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until
Billy Joe was a blur.
But when the three minutes were up Billy Joe was still on the machine's back
acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted,
collected his winnings and rejoined Jim Bob.
"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Jim Bob asked.
"Remember three months ago," Billy Joe said. "When my wife had whooping
cough...?"
Help from above
A
blonde named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so
desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my
business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is
confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet me halfway on this.
Buy a ticket."
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Bless me father for I have sinned!
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been
one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week
for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since
my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last
two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when,
suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon
her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Alter.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The
priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread
apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I
think it’s just the reflection off her shoes."
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Unintentional Dismount
An
Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or
prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip
from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the
side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when...Stan the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
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Horse Batter
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with
him to add to the starting line-up.
The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the
horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate,
when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the
baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at
Belmont!"
At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex
for Dummies".
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?
Aren't there enough of them on the roads now?
All Pro Turkey
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a
large turkey came strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and
demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right
through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge
bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go
past Thanksgiving Day?"
How do you know when you are getting
old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
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