JokeJam.com
9/4/2003
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The Best Boss in the World
Smith
goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my
wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Petmeds
Compulsive Liar
Little Johnny's mother knew that her son had been telling a lot of lies as of
late.
So she had made arrangements for Little Johnny to go over to talk to their
priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive
liars.
So Little Johnny's mother asks him if he would go over to the parsonage and help
the priest with some chores.
Little Johnny, being a very helpful kid, went over.
Upon answering the door the priest asks Little Johnny if he was at church Sunday
and, of course, he lied and said yes.
"Well," said the priest, "I guess you saw what happened at church Sunday?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, again lying.
"I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up the
aisle grabbing people from their seats and eating them up, every last one of
them!" Said the priest.
"Yea," said Little Johnny.
"Well I guess you saw that little beagle dog come in right behind him," said the
priest. "They stared each other down, and then they met right in the middle of
the church, biting, scratching, and finally that little beagle killed that
big-o-grizzly bear."
The priest looked Little Johnny straight in the eye and asked, "Little Johnny,
do you honest to God believe that story?"
Little Johnny said without a quiver "I sure do, preacher.
That was MY DOG!!!!"
Tell me about the Stain
I'm
writing to you to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the
best.
In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in- law's house, I spilled some
red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my drinking
problem.
One thing leads to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white blouse, as
well.
I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come
out.
On my way home, I stopped and got a jug of liquid Tide and all of the stains
came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once
again, for a great product.
Now I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
Advice to Women
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart
to remove the sports section...........buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of
seeing you.........buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says
it’s not quite as good as his mother made it......... buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and
wherever you want...........buy a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which
terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the
neighbors..........buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about
football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...........buy a
dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet
and whom you can push off if he snores............buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are
pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, with boobs or without, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worth listening to, and loves you
unconditionally, perpetually...........buy a dog.
But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call,
ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks
all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts
as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, Then my
friend..... Buy a cat!
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My Genie
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12
inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" Said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie,
"Since, I'm a good friend of your master; will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will'" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for
his million bucks.
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying
overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a
million ducks!"
He answers,” I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
How can you tell if you have a cheap
doctor?
He takes Friday off to play miniature golf.
Chicken Neighbor
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in.
The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they
had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he
had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great.
The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make
your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next
day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
Things I Have Learned About Texas!
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep"
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a couple no
one's ever seen before.
Possums will eat anything.
Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.
Texas has 5 seasons: Spring, Feb 16 to April 15 Summer, April 16 to July 15
(temp 90 to 98 degrees) Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115
degrees) Summer(again), Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Fall, Oct 2 to
Dec. 1 Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15
"Onced", "Twiced" and "Onlyest" are words.
Fire ants see your flesh as a picnic.
"Coldbeer" is one word.
People actually grow and eat okra.
When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. People drop them off
at your gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of
weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the
doctor.
Why did the blonde ask her friends to
save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
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