JokeJam.com
9/5/2003
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Memorial Stone
A woman's husband dies. He had $25,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she confides to her
closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me that he had $25,000 a few days
before he died. How could you be broke?"
His widow says,” Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make
the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went
for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$17,000 for the memorial stone? My, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Four carats."
Petmeds
New Boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and
they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos
and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be
doing 500 hours of community service?"
Pick a Door
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped
inside.
There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2
doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35".
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in
another empty hall; with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times
a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and
found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed"
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Technology
Three men -- one American, one Japanese and an Irishman -- were sitting naked in
a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,
"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had
to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the
bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said - - - - "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a
fax."
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First Aid
"How come you're late?" Asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into
the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was a
terrible accident.
A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His
leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank
God I took that first-aid course.
"What did you do?" Asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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The Culprit
Our dog, Longie, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might
have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss.
Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.
When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land
near Longie.
Larry hurried outside and found the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the
fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she
loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave."
Did you hear about the women who went
fishing with a group of men?
She came back with a red snapper.
Because I'm Dead
An older
couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's
sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" He asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed
together and talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because nothing hurts."
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four men watching a football game.
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