JokeJam.com
9/10/2003
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Petmeds
Dog Songs
During the gulf war, three men, An Englishman, A Scotsman and An Irishman are
captures by enemy soldiers.
Their general says to them that he is feeling in a good mood and will set them
free, but only if they sing a song which has a dog mentioned in the song.
The Englishman starts singing "You ain't nothing but a hound dog" as sung by
Elvis Presley.
"Good" says the general, and the Englishman is set free...
The Scotsman starts singing "How much is that doggy in the window"
"Good" says the general, and the Scotsman is set free...
Then the Irishman starts singing "Strangers in the night..."
"Strangers in the night?" Asks the general "Where's the dog in that?"
"You didn't let me get that far" The Irishman says
"It's in the chorus" And starts singing the chorus "Scooby dooby doo be dooby
doo doo....."
I can't come to work today....
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't
get off the john, but I feel good about it.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to
clean all the guns today.
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet....
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Pharmacy.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no,
I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work
knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
Women are Like...
Women are like parking meters,
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.
Women are like parking places,
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Women are like political campaign
contributors,
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
Women are like refrigerators,
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.
Women are like Saran Wrap,
Useful but clingy.
Women are like the stock market,
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.
Women are like turnpikes,
You pay to get on them, and you pay to get off them.
Women are like blue jeans,
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
Women are like computers,
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've
already got one.
Women are like country western songs,
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll
get depressed and drink a lot.
Women are like fax machines,
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance
paperweights.
Women are like horses,
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and
clean up after.
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Horseback Riding
Frank was appointed Ambassador to Russia, and he took his wife along to his new
post.
The Russians were anxious to make a good impression on the U.S., and his
official hosts took them to a Dacha for the weekend.
They rode horses all day around the huge estate, and had a fabulous lunch in the
deep woods, then rode back.
At dinner that night, their hosts announced that the next day they would go
horseback riding in the Ural Mountains.
Laura caught her husband as they were getting ready for bed. In a low voice so
she couldn't be overheard, she told him that she hadn't ridden horses for years,
and she was very saddle-sore. She asked him if he thought her bottom was okay,
or if she should tell the hosts she was ill and couldn't go.
Frank examined her bottom and shook his head, and said, "Tour all the Urals,
Laura? Too raw, Laura; lie."
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The New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest
to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, and then the old priest asks him
to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with
one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I
understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping
your knee and saying 'You're putting me on! What happened next?'"
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Barrel of Beer
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local bar.
He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through
the house that he woke up the Mrs.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" She yelled down from the bedroom. "Get
yourself up here to bed and don't wake the neighbors."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
Can I have a Glass of Water?
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
The Kangaroo's Cage
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at
night!"
Feeding the Pigeons
My mom, a difficult independent, likes sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.
One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily
company.
Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there
without being noticed by anyone in our rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on my mom's parade by telling her
that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food
anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
Then my mother said in crazed anger and without hesitation, "Well, I can't throw
that far!”
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