JokeJam.com
9/11/2003
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Chased By a Bear
The believer, an atheist, was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that
the accident of evolution had created.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" He said to
himself.
As he walked along side the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
When he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the
bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were
coming to his eyes.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was
pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on
the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him, raising
his paw to kill him.
At that instant he cried out, "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped...the bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even
stopped flowing. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the
sky saying: "You denied my existence all of these years; taught others I don't
exist; even credited my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather
hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make
the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued,
the bear put his paw down. The bear then brought both paws together...bowed his
head and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."
Petmeds
Signs You've Overdosed on Coffee
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even
work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy half and half by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirs.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. "How are you?” you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee
can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
Ice Fishing
There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do
some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there.
The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all
their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at
the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He
sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks
you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you
fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
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Impotent Bus Driver
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.
He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.
The doc prescribes it for him; he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the
prescription.
Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue
pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That
twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.
They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
Three times!
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you
in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then,
three come all at once!"
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Food for the Homeless
Two homeless drunken losers are wandering through the streets at an ungodly hour
scrounging through rubbish bins, dumpsters and such for their dinner.
The first guy looks up and says "hey, I just found a dead rat- you want some?"
Whereupon the second shakes his head in disgust and says "no way, are you outta
your mind?!?”
The first guy says, "Fine, more for me" and proceeds to scoff down the dead rat.
About 20 minutes later, the first guy finds a dead squirrel.
The second again refuses his offer to share, and the first again chows down on
the offensive fare.
Less than 10 minutes after that, the first finds a dead cat, and the same
scenario unfolds.
Later that night, the first guy vomits up the entire contents of his stomach.
"AHHH!" Says the second. "Just what I've been waiting for... a hot meal!
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Someone Special
If you love
something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it
free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Don't Peek!
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully
place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a
short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the
bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the
negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short,
pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
Letter of Recommendation
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human
resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I
deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day.
The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk.
It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left
us, we were very satisfied."
A Condom with Pesticide
A Redneck goes into a local pharmacy and tells the young lady pharmacist, "I
want a condom and some pesticide!"
The pharmacist said,” you mean spermicide don't you?"
The Redneck says,” Hell no, I want a condom and some pesticide, my wife has a
bug up her ass and I'm going after It!"
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