JokeJam.com
9/12/2003
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The Bully
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the
bullies in school.
They stole his lunch; they beat him up and just downright made his life
miserable.
It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and
when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a
bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it.
He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk
duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as
possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in
the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" The bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the
foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!" He reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
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Large Family
A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city.
They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.
Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large
family.
After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four
younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an
apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just
right.
Then the landlord asked the usual question:
"How many children do you have?"
The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear
mother in the cemetery."
Raisin Bread
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short
skirts.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the
loaves of bread behind the counter.
"I’d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the
very top shelf.
The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent
view.
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around
the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb
up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated.
She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?"
The clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it’s startin` to twitch."
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True Love
A man asked his wife, "If I were disfigured, would you still love me?"
"Darling," she said calmly, "I'll always love you."
"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" The
husband asked nervously.
"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," his wife replied.
"Well," the man continued, "How about if I lost vice president job? If I weren't
pulling in six figures any more, would you still love me then?"
The woman looked over at her husband's worried face.
"Sweetheart, I would always love you," she reassured him.
"But most of all, I would really miss you."
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The Hunchback
HUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting
worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see
a doctor.
Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Hunchback goes to the doctor.
DOCTOR: I want you to get
undressed. (Hunchback removes jacket then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like getting
undressed.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine
your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves
his vest on.)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing
people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine
your back or not?
(Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest)
DOCTOR: How long is it since you
were at school?
HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what
happened to your book bag?
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A Good Night's Sleep
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken.
He says to the last hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room somewhere.
Or just a bed, please, I'm really beat."
The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I'm
sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in
the adjoining rooms have been complaining all week."
The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it."
The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him snoring?"
The guy says, "I shut him up quick."
The manager says, "How'd you do that?"
The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the room. So
I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night,
beautiful.'
And he sat up and watched me all night."
Eight Year Old Sally
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little
girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am
going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me
know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her
mother."
New Mother at 60
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman was finally able to
have a baby.
All her relatives come to visit to meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother said, "Not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother once again said, "Not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother said, "When the baby cries."
So the agitated relatives asked, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother guiltily admitted, "Because I forgot where I put it."
Unhappy With Their Room
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years.
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they
checked into a plush hotel.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows,
no bed, and no air conditioning."
"But, madam!” replied the bellman.
"Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple
of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big
city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the
manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
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