JokeJam.com
9/15/2003
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Stealing Lumber
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.
In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building
supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" The priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our
two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a
far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can
get the lumber."
Petmeds
Two Black Eyes
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to
fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault.
We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her
butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kinds of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and
blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault.
There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her
butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and
pulled it out.
Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
Pull the Plug
Reasons why you should re-assess your
relationship with your computer.
You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check
your email on the way back to bed.
You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free
internet access.
You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com
You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have
nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.
Your family always knows where you are.
In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
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Sexual Habits
A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one
questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a
black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The questioner
smiled.
"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" She said.
"We are," said the gentleman.
"But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year
old priest with no car"
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Send These to Your Doctor!
A doctor giving a circumcision was heard
saying, "It won't be long now."
Did you hear about the two podiatrists
who opened their offices on the same street?
They were arch enemies.
Podiatrist
Someone who knows the agony of de feet.
How is a hospital gown like insurance?
You're never covered as much as you think you are.
What do you do when a pharmaceutical
salesman knocks on your door?
Vitamin!
What did one tonsil say to the other?
You better get dressed...the doctor is taking us out tonight.
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Blonde at the Pop Machine
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived
there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while,
pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke.
She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in
the machine.
Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out
came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a
moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting
patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you
done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still
winning?"
Are You Mr. Smith?
Jimmy timidly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat.
"Excuse me," said Jimmy, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"
"No, I'm not!" Said the impatient man.
"Ah ... er ... well," said Jimmy, "you see, I am, and that's my coat you're
putting on."
Last Time He Had Sex
The general went to the doctor for a physical.
Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height,
weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'it was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' The doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" A college student asked her room-mate.
"Terrible!" The room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
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