JokeJam.com
9/16/2003
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Sherlock Holmes's Tent
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and
tell me what you see."
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are million of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets.
Theologically it tells me that God is great and that we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Petmeds
Automobile Acronyms
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic
Influence Always Unsafe Designs Implemented Asshole Under Delusional Influence
BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Black Man's Weiner
(extension)
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car
Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve
Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every
Time
DODGE Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT Failure in Italian
Automotive Technology Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony!
Fucking Idiot Allowed to Travel
FORD Fix Or Repair Daily
GM General Maintenance
GMC Garage Man's Companion Got a
Mechanic Coming?
HONDA Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand
Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA Most Always Zipping
Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving
Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. - Overpriced, Leisurely
Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
SKODA Some Kind Of Dodgy
Automobile
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees
Overprice This Auto
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular
Object
VW Virtually Worthless Vomit on
Wheels
The Doctor Loses Control
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist.
The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window.
He immediately tells her to undress.
After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says
to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" He asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse
with the woman.
He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first
place."
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Reasons to Go to Work Nude
Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
You want to see if it's like the dream.
So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your
exaggerated resume.
People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
No one steals your chair
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Banter Bit
A man passes by a restaurant sign that says "Unusual Breakfast"
He goes inside and asks the waitress "What is your unusual breakfast?"
She replies, "Fried Chicken Tongue."
"Fried chicken tongue! I would never eat anything that came out of a chicken’s
mouth!"
"Well what will you have then?" She asks.
"Oh, just give me some scrambled eggs".
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Milking the Cow
After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm.
The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him
with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and
the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the
cow to sit on the stool"
Locked Out of Car
A blonde is driving down the road.
She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station.
While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car.
So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can
attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock.
Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while her
blonde friend inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a
little more to the right!"
Height & Weight
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.
After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five foot
eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
Team Spirit
At one point during a Baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players,
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you
don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
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