JokeJam.com
9/17/2003
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The Number Eleven
This is hard to believe.
The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran.
1 + 1 + 9 = 11 Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
New York City - 11 Letters
Afghanistan - 11 Letters
The Pentagon - 11 Letters
Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack on the WTC in
1993)
Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11
Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11
Petmeds
Three Generations Still Young at Heart
Morris, a 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up.
The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you.
Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how
old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, how old is he and is he very active?"
Morris, the 60 year old responded,
"Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and
surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather
when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said,
"You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your
grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a
week during the summer.
Not only that," said Morris, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he
is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get
married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
The Lost Golf Ball
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he
hooked into a cow pasture.
He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.
They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up.
They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball.
He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.
He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.
The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like
yours?"
And that was the last thing he could remember.
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All Purpose Excuse Form
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten
in.
Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your
situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear:
a) Mom
b) Dad
c) Love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry
I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of
control?
And while it is true that I should not
have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in
the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, you must understand that it
was all meant in fun.
The subsequent carnage that I caused is
beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for
and I must therefore humbly ask your
forgiveness.
I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond
but I ask you to remember all the good
times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and
foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one
prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me.
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Send these to your Doctor
Doctor: Is your cough better this morning?
Patient: It should be. I've been practicing all night.
Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.
What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
A dry doc.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
People who constantly cough never go to the doctors. They go to banquets, to
concerts, to church, etc.....
Pathologists know how to cut loose.
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Mirror, Mirror
The little girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned."
"What is it, my child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze
at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good
news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
James McNeill Whistler
James McNeill Whistler (whose most famous painting is popularly known as
"Whistler's Mother") is reported to have displayed a just completed painting to
Mark Twain.
Twain looked at the painting judiciously from a variety of angles and distances
while Whistler waited impatiently for the verdict.
Finally, Twain leaned forward and, making an erasing gesture with his hand,
said, "I'd eradicate that cloud if I were you."
Whistler cried out in agony, "Careful! The paint is still wet."
"That's all right," Twain said coolly, "I'm wearing gloves."
Seeing the Animals
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" His mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" Asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly,
"especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1"
Overweight
Doctor: Now just step on the scales. There you see?
Look at this chart. You're overweight.
Patient: No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short
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