JokeJam.com
9/18/2003
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For Sale
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a
charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant,
the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing
faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint
there" would help.
Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer
her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I
think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."
Petmeds
Cat Directions
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by
driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat.
He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that lousy cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions"
Prettier than Freckles
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright
freckles, spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local
artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" Said the artist to the
little fella.
Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.
His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a
little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across
the child's cheek.
"Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier
than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face,
and softly whispered, "Wrinkles?"
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Life Lessons
Don't name a
pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Mortgaging a future crop is like saddling a wobbly colt.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
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To the Rescue
A man's house is on fire.
No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.
He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her outside.
Then his wife.
Then the dog.
Then the cat.
Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.
So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your
burning house and not coming out with anything?"
The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."
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Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for
school since he got his nose ring."
Sound travels slowly
Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till
they're in their 40s.
Voice Mail for Heaven
Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our
lives.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice
mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it
was received.
Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3
To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.
Pierced Ears
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes." I replied
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little." I told him
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun." I said
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "Wow, how far away did they stand?"
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