JokeJam.com
9/19/2003
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Drinking Coffee Via an Enema
Jim was in a
terrible wreck.
He was taken to the hospital where he remained comatose for two weeks and when
he awake he was ravenous.
Finding the call button he rang for the nurse and asked if he could have
something to eat.
She told him, "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut. I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition."
"Well, could I 'pwease' have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw.
"We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth."
But try as they would, it just wouldn't go.
Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the
nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema."
She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.
"Is it too hot?" The nurse asked.
"No, but could you please put some sugar in it?"
Petmeds
New Apartment
Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment.
Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three
brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture.
The new apartment was on the third floor.
We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner
through the kitchen put them where they belonged.
Finally, we came to the large couch.
After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it
would not go around the corner through the kitchen.
We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again.
It still wouldn't fit.
Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of
the building.
From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny
balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room.
We all colapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would
not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apartment. "The next time he
moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of
there on his own.
It will be our little secret.
He will have to take a saw to it!"
As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months
later.
It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help
move.
We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after
several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?"
"Sure," he replied.
"Did you run into any problems?"
"No."
"Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and
haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't
fit through the kitchen!"
Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said "The legs unscrew!"
Definitions for Parents
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never
put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that
translates roughly into "get a washrag."
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed
carrots.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when
anyone mutters a dirty word.
PRENATAL: When your life was
still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water
that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.
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Is There Golf in Heaven?
Bart and Art
have been a twosome on the links every day since they've been retired.
One day, as they're putting on their golf shoes in the clubhouse, they get into
a conversation about heaven and whether there are any golf courses there.
They make a pact.
The first one to die will come back and tell the other one.
Bart dies first, and sure enough, comes back to visit Art.
Art says, "Well are there any golf courses in heaven?"
"I have good news and I have bad news," says Bart.
"We have the ultimate golf course in the sky and tournament which starts
tomorrow."
"So what's the bad news?"
"You're my partner"
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Will Rogers' Thoughts on Getting Older
First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
Fifth, You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.
Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh, One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.
Eighth, One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth, Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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The Sweet Aroma of My Mistress
There was
once a great actor, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him
a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line,
you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just
one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the
line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally the time came.
The curtain went up; the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion
delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director
was steaming! "You bloody fool!" He cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He asked.
"No!" The director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"
Babies Come From Heaven
Little
Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters.
Home Canning
On the farm where I was raised, home canning was a big thing.
Most folks had a garden and ate out of it all summer.
The surplus was put up in jars for the winter.
The common saying was: "We eat what we can, and what we can't, we can."
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