JokeJam.com
2/23/2003
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I Got Shingles
A man walked into a
doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance
number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said,
"Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and
told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked
you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."
The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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Beauty
A man was just coming out
of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting
at his bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to beautiful?'" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
Osama's Dream
Bin Laden phoned President
George W. Bush.
"I had a dream about the United States," he said. "I could see the whole
country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Bin Laden.
"What was on the banner?" Asked Mr. Bush.
"LONG LIVE OSAMA!" Answered the terrorist.
"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a
dream.
In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever, totally
rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential
subdivisions with swimming pools full of men and women; and over every building
and home was a big, beautiful banner."
"What did the banner say?" Asked Osama.
"I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew.
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Things to Ponder
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash courses?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped
out a quarter?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
Can a stupid person be a smart ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made
with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
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Adam's Question
God comes to Adam one day and says "Adam, I have great news!"
"I am going to create a mate for you.
She will be beautiful and intelligent, warm and thoughtful; she will fulfill
your every desire...."
"Wow!" Says Adam "I can't wait!"
"But there is one thing..." God says, "I am going to need one of your testicles
to create this creature."
Adam steps back and thinks about this for a moment, rubbing his chin.
"Hmm...." Adam says, "What can I get for a rib?"
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How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Just Stay
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure
my Labrador retriever had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that
she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you,
lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
Blame the Computer
What is a computer's first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral?
He clicked on an icon and opened a window
Refreshments
A man is on a trans-Atlantic flight to New York when the Captain announces
"Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your Captain speaking. We'll be landing in New
York in a little under an hour. Your cabin crew will be circulating among you
shortly with a range of refreshments. I'll be speaking to you again on our
approach to JFK airport. Thank you."
Sure enough, the stewardess appears at the man's side and say's "Can I interest
you in some T-W-A coffee?"
"No thanks" says the man "But I wouldn't mind some of your T-W-A tea!"
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