JokeJam.com
9/25/2003
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Reason for a Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What
are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Petmeds
The Texan in Australia
A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.
After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small
town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches.
They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further
unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental
bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".
The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn, "Is this a road, or a
track?"
So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe
application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself - "Stupid grass
hoppers!"
Deep Thought
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow,
only to be troubled and insecure?
Would a fly that loses his wings be called a walk?
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Life in the Great Outdoors
An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam.
The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?"
The man replied, "I am 78."
The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60
year old."
The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that
whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go
outside to settle down."
"What does that have to do with it?" Asked the doctor.
The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
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Now for Some Handy Tips
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Only go to the toilet at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway,
so they may as well look like one.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts
you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven
serviced.
Give VIZ and other comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing
drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes.
Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking
half a melon skin on your head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong
way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a
bowl of iron filings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when
visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.
Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your
hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your
house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the
night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description.
Watch their faces in the morning!
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.
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The Confessional
A drunk staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional and
says nothing.
The bewildered priest clears his throat to attract his attention, but still the
man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall several times in a final attempt to get the
man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knockin there, mate... not a shred o' paper
in this one either."
Redneck's 911
A red neck dials 911 in a panic and the dialog goes:
Redneck: Operator, we need some help here, we got some lady floppin around haven
a heart attack or somethin. Git someone here quick!
Operator: Look sir, just calm down. You need to tell me where you are.
Where are you?
Redneck: We're over here at 909 Eucalyptus Street...
Operator: O.k. sir, can you spell that for me?
Redneck: (long pause) Um, I’m gonna drag her on over to Oak street, umkay? Meet
you on the corner.
Pet Ape
A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms.
"I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's
going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even
sleep in the bed with me and the wife."
"But what about the smell?" Someone asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
What Size Sir?
A customer at a sandwich shop ordered "a small soda."
The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and
large and both cost 99 cents."
The customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said,” Okay, I
guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
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