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9/26/2003
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Squeeze the Lemon Dry
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and
hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody
could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "No, I work for the IRS."
Petmeds
In Praise of Older Women
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you,
"What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to
her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent
lover!
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an
asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case
it means you might break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of
you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be
the last to know.
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your
teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and
ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to
call...
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman
will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas.
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because
somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have
acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants
at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women
are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly
boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in
the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a
boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman has lots of girlfriends ... and most of them will want to boff
you too.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still
hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an
older woman will sleep with you after a cup of an herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets,
the weaker his libido gets ... which is why nature intended young guys to go out
with older women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like
she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or
drag queens.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth
because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
Did You Know
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their
eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one
row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand
seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear
weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because
when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the
books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years...
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop
growing. SCARY
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Bridal Suite
A Texan and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just
got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" Says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you
like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til
she gets the hang of it.
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Feeling Sick
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining
of severe abdominal pains.
We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the
source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was
wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our
suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home
now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT
sick!"
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How
do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll
e-mail you with the answer in my next message...
Where's the Toilets?
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but
confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and
Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found
himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other
was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I
need to use the restroom," Dave said.
Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a
door down the hall marked "Men."
"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
Metaphysics
I wondered once, is universe infinite?
I craved the answer, and it came.
It came at a party for campus fraternities with "phi" in their name.
As I stumbled down the fraternity's walk, I tripped and fell face-flat on a sign
that read: "University Phi Nite."
I celebrated my new wisdom with a nod and wink at the heavens and another beer.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
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