JokeJam.com
9/30/2003
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My Dad's Faster
Three boys are in the school yard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and
start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second one says: "Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can
shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You
two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at
4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!
Petmeds
Hand on Your Heart
Johnny was at his first day of school.
The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance,
and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after
him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to
the flag..."
When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of
his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher
asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here,
and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Camping Tips
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the
campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and eating all the ants.
Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has
remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a
downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to
add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel
before applying the match.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open
fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada
works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of
your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic
garbage bag with several geese.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe
your nose on.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it
with your car.
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Send These to Your Doctor
Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.
Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health.
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a fireplace and melted?
I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it "practice."
My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse...then she got a little
buggy.
When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end is in
sight.
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Gone AWOL
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that
one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.
After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby.
He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's
office.
The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then
proceeded to cut my hair off.
On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist,
who proceeded to pull out my teeth.
Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap... and I wasn't about to
wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir."
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Feeding Lily
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for
advice.
Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I
feed Lily for lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There are all kinds of food. Why don't you
pretend I'm not at home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband
asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
Where's Harry?
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day.
That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an
eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal
Henry."
What Is S.P.A.M. an Abbreviation For?
SPAM is the word used to describe a message sent to you via E-mail or posted on
Newsgroups that are basically junk mail. (i.e. Advertisements for a product or
service, that you didn't request to be sent to you)
The official meaning of SPAM in terms of the Internet is "Self Promotional
Advertising Message"
But here is a list of alternatives that some people have come up with.
Stupid Posts Are Meaningless
Stop Posting Annoying Messages
Single Posting Addressed Multiple times
Stupid People Are Mandatory
Suckers Protesting Against Midas
Seriously Poor and Mean
Some People Are Morons
Stupid Person at Machine
Stupid Posters Advocating Maliciousness
Sexual Perverts and Moneygrabbers
Sad Person after Money
Sales Person Attacking Me
Stupid People Asking for Money
Adam and Eve
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't
have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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