JokeJam.com
10/31/2003
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Loud Doctor
A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus!
Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around
here."
Petmeds
It's Halloween! It's Halloween!
The moon is full and bright,
And we shall see what can't be seen, On any other night.
Skeletons and ghosts and ghouls, Grinning goblins fighting duels,
Werewolves rising from their tombs, Witches on their magic brooms.
In masks and gowns, We haunt the street, And knock on doors, For trick or treat.
Tonight we are, The king and queen, For oh tonight It's Halloween!
Welfare Mail
The following are taken from actual
letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died
which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old.
When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly
by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any
relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an
immortal life.
You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with
can't do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This
is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope
this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a
mistake as you can see.
I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for
two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to
send for another doctor.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.
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Trick or Treating by Your Sign
Aries pushes the others aside to
get to the door first.
Taurus will only eat the finest
of Swiss chocolates.
Gemini goes around the
neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
Cancer stays at home and gives
candy to the other trick-or- treaters.
Leo plans their costume for
months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.
Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit
and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.
Libra is still standing in front
of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
Scorpio isn't in it for the
candy.
Sagittarius will manage to wander
to the next town.
Capricorn makes a list of all the
houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
Aquarius builds their costume out
of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Pisces skips the whole thing to
compose poetry to the Moon.
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Halloween Quickies
Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack
What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby
ghost?
Don't spook until your spooken to.
What time would it be if five demons
were chasing you?
Five after one.
Torch between my legs I'm dressed as
Pinocchio
Great balsa fire!
The egotistical mummy was all wrapped up
in himself.
Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
Witches, goblins, and ghouls go to their
favorite bar and sing "S Karaoke"
What did the mother ghost say to the
baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
What do you call a skeleton that won't
get out of bed?
Lazy Bones
People who play the stock market get happy on Halloween. Why?
Its ticker treat night!
What did the wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What monster flies his kite in a rain
storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein.
What is a ghost's favorite ice cream
flavor?
Boo berry.
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Pregnancy Dictionary
Afterbirth - When the hard part
begins.
Cravings - An excuse to
gluttonize your way through pregnancy.
Dilation - One of those things a
pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.
Elastiphobia - Fear of making it
into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."
First Trimester - The first three
months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate
mother?"
Maternity Clothes - what a pregnant woman wears to show people
there's a reason she's fat.
Miracle 1 - The birth of a
baby. Miracle 2 - The fact that
you lived to tell about it.
Obstetrician - The doctor
who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of
death.
Pregnant Pause - the amount of
time it takes for a nine month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.
Prenatal - When your life was
still your own.
Pushing - The final effort to get
a ten pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.
Second Trimester - The time when
you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream
and side of beef before he gets home?"
Third Trimester - The final
months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
HALLOWEEN MAGIC
A bald-headed ghost
Drank some witches' brew
And on top of his head
A strange thing grew.
It was pointed and tall
And black as a bat
With stringy long hair
Where his head was flat.
The sad little ghost
Didn't want any hair
Or a black pointed hat
So he said, "Witch beware!"
Then he chanted some words
With a spell-casting switch
And gave Halloween Night
A bald-headed witch!!
~Barbara M. Hales~
On a diet?
Go to the paint store.
You can get thinner there.
Cross the Street
I was walking past an old woman in the street when she said to me, "Son, can you
see me across the street, if it's not too much bother?"
So I courteously obliged, walked to the other side of the street and called:
"Yes I can see you!!"
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