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6/16/2003
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Doctor Books
THE TOP TEN BOOKS Doctors Read
10. How To Turn and Ordinary Little Lung Transplant Into a Vacation Home
9. Turn Your Waiting Room Into a Financial Bonanza Through The Simple Use of Vending Machines and Pay-For-View TV.
8. All the Things that 9 Out of 10 of Us Recommend
7. Chicken Scratch: How to Not Only Write it, But Speak It
6. There's Big Money in Second Opinions
5. "Cat Scans to Bed-Pans"--The novel that finally puts some humor into diseases.
4. Bedside Jokes to Tell the Terminally Ill.
3. Getting Your Fair Share of the Hypochondriac Market
2. 101 Places You Can Buy 6-Year-Old Magazines For Your Waiting Room
1. How to Convince Your Patient That He or She Needs the Entire Battery of All
37,513 Tests Available to the Medical Community
A Bad Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Petmeds
Trivia
Panama hats come from Ecuador not Panama.
Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
S.O.S. doesn't stand for "Save Our Ship" or "Save Our Souls" – It was chosen by an 1908 international conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone could key it and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash.
Crickets hear through their knees.
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by Bayer.
U.S. Interstates which go north-south are numbered sequentially starting from the west with odd numbers, and Interstates which go east-west are numbered sequentially starting from the south with even numbers.
According to Genesis 1:20-22 the chicken came before the egg.
To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.
Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
A whale's penis is called a dork.
Animal Super Bowl
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.
The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.
The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain.
On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" Demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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Talented Dog
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
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Q: What kind of person steals soap?
A: A dirty crook
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Cross-eyes Rotweiler
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Matches
You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?
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Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!
GTC Telecom
Bad Drivers
A man is driving on the highway when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
"Honey, be careful. I heard on the news that there is a car on the road driving the wrong way."
To this the man replies, "One? There's millions of 'em!"
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