JokeJam.com
6/17/2003
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The Test
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.
Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
- - Lily Tomlin
Petmeds
Trivia
A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in the world in relation to its size.
Iguanas, koalas and Komodo dragons all have two penises.
There are more beetles than any other kind of creature in the world.
The Phillips-head screwdriver was invented in Oregon.
Tomb robbers believed that knocking Egyptian sarcophagi's noses off would forestall curses.
The allele for six fingers and toes is dominant in humans.
Polar bear fur is not white, it's clear.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
A rhinoceros' horn is made of compacted hair.
Revolvers cannot be silenced, due to all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is 'Live Free or Die'. These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
The pet ferret (Mustela putorias furo) was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.
"Hara kiri" is an impolite way of saying the Japanese word "seppuku" which means, literally, "belly splitting."
"Race car" is a palindrome.
Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California.
The little bags of netting for gas lanterns (called 'mantles') are radioactive--so much so that they will set of an alarm at a nuclear reactor.
"Speak of the Devil" is short for "Speak of the Devil and he shall come". It was believed that if you spoke about the Devil it would attract his attention and he would appear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
4 Guys In A Car
There are 4 guys in a car, 1 from Iowa, 1 from Wisconsin, 1 from Florida, and 1 from Illinois.
The guy from Florida says "I'm tired of seeing oranges everyday" so he throws some oranges out the window.
So then the guy from Iowa says "I'm tired of seeing Corn everyday" so he throws some corn out the window.
The guy from Wisconsin is very inspired so he opens the door and pushes the guy from Illinois out of the car!
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Whatever!
A young woman walked up to the admittance desk at the hospital. "I need to see an upturn," she said.
"I suspect that you mean intern?" The nurse asked.
"Whatever, I came for a contamination."
"Contamination? I think you mean examination, right?"
"Whatever, I guess I'd best go to the fraternity ward, right?"
"I suppose you mean to say maternity ward?"
"Uptern, intern... examination, contamination... fraternity, maternity... what difference does it make? I mean to tell you, Sis, that I ain't demonstratedin two months and I think I'm stagnant."
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To Tell the Truth
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog.
Concerned the boys might be hurting the dog; he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" He exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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Grooming the Dog
A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover.
The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"
"It's for my Chihuahua."
"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "Don't ride a bike for twenty minutes."
A Novel Approach to Saving Money
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" Says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."
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QUOTES FROM ERMA BOMBECK
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mom knows.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?
Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girl’s boots the last time it snowed.
I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don't want to talk about it.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply.
"Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?"
"Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?"
"Wasn't there any change?"
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" And we answered, "How about the menu first?"
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" It's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
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