JokeJam.com
6/18/2003
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Blonde and her Mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it
then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched
to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL
At the Strip Club
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's Club". One of my buddies wanted to impress us so he pulls out a $10 and put it on the stripper's butt.
Not to be out done, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute...... Then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the $60 bucks and went home.
Class Photo
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's
dead."
Lawyer Talk
A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."
A guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."
The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole."
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Trivia
Gerald Ford pardoned Robert E. Lee posthumously of all crimes of treason.
After human death, post-mortem rigidity starts in the head and travels to the feet, and leaves the same way it came -- head to toe.
The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.
Every photograph of an American atomic bomb detonation was taken by Harold Edgerton.
Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.
Compact discs read from the inside to the outside edge, the reverse of how a record works.
The 'Screwdriver' was invented by oilmen, who used the tool to stir the drink.
The term "Mayday" is used for signaling for help. It comes from the French term "M'aidez" which is pronounced "MayDay" and means, "Help Me."
The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Ninety eight per cent of the weight of water is made up from oxygen.
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Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize"
and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow
while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You
might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?'
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or
former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan.
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Jewish Surgery
An older Jewish man who needed surgery insisted that his son, a renowned
surgeon, perform the operation.
As he lay on the operating table about to receive the anesthesia he asked to
speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember .... If it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me.... your mother is going to come and live with
you!"
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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Right Click
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
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