JokeJam.com
6/19/2003
This is a humor and jokes list
that brings you jokes daily - Generally Clean Jokes - but some might be
a bit off color - no really dirty jokes
Help us Grow our Jokes List!
Tell others about
JokeJam.com
Feel Free to Forward this to your Friends and Family
Disgusting Liquor
A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked, "The minister if he would also like a drink." The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
FART DICTIONARY
THE ALARM FART. This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
THE AMPLIFIED FART. This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table, and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.
THE BATHTUB FART. People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart,
THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART. Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.
THE BURNING BRAKES FART. A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.
THE CAR DOOR FART. Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.
THE CELESTIAL FART. Not to be confused with the Did an Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.
THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART. This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.
THE CROWD FART. The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.
THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART. This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.
Petmeds
Trivia
A fully loaded supertanker traveling at normal speed takes at least twenty minutes to stop.
No matter its size or thickness, no piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
Boys who have unusual first names are more likely to have mental problems than boys with conventional names. Girls don't seem to have this problem.
Russians generally answer the phone by saying, 'I'm listening.'
Until 1967, LSD was legal in California.
In the 40's, the Bich pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it 'Bitch.'
Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
Blonde Kidnapper
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big
oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight
home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag
behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the
following note....
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
A Sad Day
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy."
The man sadly shook his head, "Not when the month is up today!"
10% Lower than Amazon.com on over 1 Million Books! Plus, Free Shipping!
Buy.com 10%
Lower Than Amazon.com On All Books - Over 1 Million Titles! Plus, Free Shipping!
(Expiration TBD)
Confidence Runneth Over
At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
"With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Deduction
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Collections
Schneider applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.
Two hours later, Schneider came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" The manager said. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," Schneider replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."
4inkjets! Save Up to 60% Using Compatible Laser Toner Cartridges
4 Inkjets!
Doctor's Orders
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" Replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Code Word
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
JokeJam Jokes Mailing List
Get Jokes in the mail 5 days a week
Click to subscribe to JokeJam
Tell others about
JokeJam.com
Great
Credit Card Site
Order
Viagra
On Line
Cheap Drugs
When You do
not have a Prescription
Dirt Cheap Drugs
When You do
have a Prescription
If you need to contact JokeJam.com - this is a
safe link - your email address will not be posted on the internet.
Search Buy.com
UNSUBSCRIBE
JokeJam Jokes List is an automatic list -to unsubscribe - send email or reply from this
email to
mailto:JokeJam-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
Be sure to use the same email address that you subscribed with
Then you will need to reply to the email yahoogroups sends you.
Copyright 2003
JokeJam.com. All Rights reserved. Permission is granted for noncommercial
distribution of JokeJam jokes list as long as
this full copyright notice is included, including subscription information.
JokeJam is not the author of the jokes, humor,
and other content
posted to this list, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to
them except for those humor bits we write. We assume them to be in the public
domain.
googtoot
Everything below this line is put in by Yahoo and is NOT a sponsor of
JokeJam.com