JokeJam.com
6/20/2003
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Famous Men
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but..." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
Litter of Kittens
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy
kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother inquired.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
Petmeds
Cynic's Approach to Love
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Trivia
The NY phone book had 22 Hitler's before WWII. The NY phone book had 0 Hitler's after WWII.
There is a town in Texas called 'Ding Dong.'
Men leave their hotel rooms cleaner than women do.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
If the population of the Earth continued to increase at its present rate indefinitely, by 3530 A.D. the total mass of human flesh and blood would equal the mass of the Earth. By 6826 A.D. it would equal the mass of the known universe.
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Fessin' Up
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" Roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" Roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
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BAR TRANSLATIONS
"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
"I'm not used to these darts."
I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
"Let’s go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (Male to female) You would look great face down in my lap.
"You get this one, next round is on me."
We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
"Let’s get out of here."
I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (Female)
I'm easy.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (Male)
I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"Ever try a body shot?" (Female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
"I don't feel well, let’s go home." (Male)
I'm horny.
"I've had like 10 beers already."
I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
"Excuse Me." (Male to male)
Get the fuck out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (Male to female)
I am going to grope you now.
"Excuse Me." (Female to male)
Don't even think about groping me; just get the fuck out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (Female to female).
Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.
"I'm out of here; I have to work in the morning."
I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.
"What do you have on tap?"
What's cheap?
"Can I have a white Russian?" (Male)
I'm really gay.
"Can I have a white Russian?" (Female)
I'm really easy.
"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab."
I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".
"That person looks really familiar."
Did I sleep with him/her?
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (Female)
I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (Male)
It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking ½ hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.
"Do you have any Wild Turkey?"
I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.
"I don't have my ID on me." (female)
I'm 19.
"I don't have my ID on me." (Male)
I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.
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Food Spoilage Test
FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT It never spoils.
CEREAL It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
Gorilla Removal Service
Bob is opening his bar one day and is amazed to see a gorilla sitting in the oak tree in front of his establishment.
He carefully walks into his bar and wastes no time looking up "Gorilla Removal" in the yellow pages. He calls the service, and in nothing flat a truck pulls up with the words "JOE's GORILLA REMOVAL" written on the side.
A man gets out of the truck carrying a loaded pistol and he has a fierce looking German shepherd on a leash.
"Now here's the plan," Joe tells Bob. "You hold the gun and I'll climb up the tree and shake the big ape out. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the German shepherd will attack him and go for his private parts. After that, I just throw him in the back of my truck. Any questions?"
"Just one," says Bob. "What's the gun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog!"
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Gardening Advice
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
I Have Something To Tell You...
There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going.
As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?"
Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window."
Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a calloused manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms.
Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?"
Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's efforts, the cat lost his footing fell off the roof and died from his injuries."
Jim responded, "Oh. I see..."
Bob then asked Jim, "So how's Mom?"
Jim said, "I accidentally left the window open and the cat got out. Well, see... it's like this... Mom went out the window onto the small roof to try to get the cat...."
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