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Letter from Mom from down home

Dear Son:

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left.

Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a washing machine.

The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days
the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was too heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes.

Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned.

We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too.

Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love, Your Mama

P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up

Get me another Drink

A man went into a bar and ordered a double.

When it came, he drank it straight down and ordered another.

He drank it straight down also.

This went on for about four drinks. Finally the concerned bartender said, "You know, you really shouldn't be drinking so much."

The man replied, "I know. Especially with what I've got."

"What have you got?" asked the bartender.

"One dollar." said the man.

Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling well.

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Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
A: Because he says: "That's enough about flying, let's talk about me"!

Q: What's the purpose of the propeller?
A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

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Things to think about

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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Drinking Strings

Three strings went into a bar and ordered a drink.

When the bartender came over, he said, "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave."

They went to another bar and ordered a drink; the bartender told them the same thing: "We don't serve strings here, you'll have to leave."

When they went to another bar, the third string tied a knot in one end of himself and unraveled some strands.

The bartender approached the strings, and said to the first one, "We don't serve strings here, you'll
have to leave.

He looked at the second and said the same thing.

Peering closely at the third, he said, "Aren't you a string, too?"

"No," said the string, "I'm a fraid not."

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idear.

What happened when they tried to make a second Yogi Bear?
It turned out to be a Boo-Boo.

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They're making big headlines.

How do you make a kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

What is the only kind of bee that gives milk?
A boo-bee.

Do you know where honeybees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station.

Why did the blonde put TGIF on her shoe?
Toes Go In First.

What do you call a person with no arms and legs, at the bottom of the ocean?
Sandy.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

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