JokeJam.com
6/25/2003
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OXYMORONS:
Acute dullness
Act naturally ·
Advanced BASIC ·
Airline food · almost exactly ·
Alone together ·
Amtrak schedule ·
Bittersweet ·
Boring court jester ·
Briefing ·
British fashion ·
Business ethics ·
Butthead ·
Cafeteria food ·
Calm wind ·
Cardinal sin ·
Casual sex ·
Cheerleading scholarship ·
Childproof ·
Christian Scientists ·
Civil engineer ·
Clean coal ·
Coal mine safety ·
Computer jock ·
Computer security ·
Clearly ambiguous ·
Clearly confused ·
Clearly misunderstood ·
Comfortably dressed ·
Conservative liberal ·
Conciliation court ·
Constant variable ·
Constructive attitude ·
Corporate conscience ·
Cowardly lion ·
Dangerously safe ·
Deafening silence ·
Definite maybe ·
Deliberately thoughtless ·
Democratic machine ·
Designer jeans ·
Diet ice cream ·
Divorce court ·
Domestic bliss ·
Double solitaire ·
Educational television ·
Effective compassion ·
Essential service ·
Even odds ·
Exact estimate ·
Extensive briefing ·
Extinct life ·
Family vacation ·
Fan fatale ·
Federal budget ·
Fish farm ·
Flexible ethics ·
Found missing ·
Free love ·
Freezer burn ·
French deodorant ·
Fresh-frozen ·
Friendly fire ·
Friendly takeover ·
Funky white guy ·
Genuine imitation ·
Genuine imitation naughahide ·
Good grief ·
Good shit ·
Government organization ·
Guest host ·
Drinking Mushroom
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink-
The bartender says, "You're a MUSHROOM! We don't serve mushrooms here!!"
The mushroom looks hurt and looks up at the bartender and says,
"Aw c'mon... I'm a fun-guy (fungi)..."
Petmeds
Old man, a boy and
a donkey
Once upon a time...
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey.
They were going to town, and it was decided that the boy should ride.
As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.
The two then decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who told them that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.
The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.
The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY...
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS.
Getting Sperm Count
"Doctors Orders" A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.
The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him
the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this:
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand,
but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and she
tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN
jar open!"
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Irish Men
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks
at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that
you’re from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes that I am!"
The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you
live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in
the old central part of town."
The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school
would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year
did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you
believe it; I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long
night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”
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Things to think about
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Speeding
A highway patrolman was astonished to see a car speeding along
on the highway.
Glancing at the car he was even more astonished to see that a blonde behind the
wheel was knitting.
The Trooper saw this, cranked down his window and yelled... “PULL OVER!"
No, "yelled the blonde, “SCARF!”
Poor Bunny Rabbit
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began
to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible, "he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
humans and hopped down the road.
Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again,
hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the
woman’s spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life
1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"
6. The banker because he says," If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
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