6/27/2003
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Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
The Little Laboratory Rabbit
A rabbit one day managed to
break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his
little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow,
this is great," he thought.
It wasn't long before he
came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of
other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are
you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us,"
they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" He asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and
he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"It's fantastic out here in
the world" he told them.
"So are you going to live with us then?" One of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."
New Tourism Slogans for New York City
10. We'll pick your pocket and steal your heart.
9. If our strippers don't smile, the next lap dance is free.
8. We break more laws by 9 AM than most cities do all day.
7. Come explore our mysterious puddles.
6. It's the city that never sleeps and rarely bathes.
5. Twice the fun and three times the crack.
4. We love to grope and it shows.
3. Food, folks, and felonies.
2. Yes that's a revolver in our pants, and yes we are happy to see you.
1. New York: the Gateway to Newark.
What happened to my rabbit?
Years ago while lying in my
hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my dog dragging something
under the fence.
Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10
year old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.
Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and my JD.
Within the hour the neighbor's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken,
stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence
and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up
a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"
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The Test
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the
boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about
everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate
classrooms to take the exam.
Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each
sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"
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