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6/30/2003
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QUOTES FROM ERMA BOMBECK
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mom knows.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a ten-cent thermometer to it?
Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girl’s boots the last time it snowed.
I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once, after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don't want to talk about it.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply.
"Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?"
"Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?"
"Wasn't there any change?"
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" And we answered, "How about the menu first?"
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" It's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Murphy's Laws about Men:
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are
only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think
we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and
have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and
thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us
when we take the initiative.
Petmeds
Women Bashing Jokes
Q- How many men does it take to open a beer?
A- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A- Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A- So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A- When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q- How do you fix a woman's watch?
A- You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q- Why do men pass gas more than women?
A- Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A- The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Pain in the Back
Tony and I were talking one day when Tony says, "I went to see the doctor the
other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to
stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee.
Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked
"Well", said Tony, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too
big."
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Dog Show
A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for some hair remover.
The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes"
"It's for my Chihuahua."
"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "Don't ride a bike for twenty minutes."
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