JokeJam.com
7/1/2003
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Caught in the Dark
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" The pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" Said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
Letterman's Top Ten Signs Saddam Hussein Is Planning To Move to Your Neighborhood
10. While watching CNN your daughter exclaims, "That's the guy who brought my
Girl Scout cookies!"
9. Predator drones circling overhead
8. Your mailman made a mistake and gave you a shipment of plutonium
7. Streets have fewer minivans, more tanks
6. Sign on lawn: "Trespassers will be gassed and tortured"
5. Sean Penn keeps coming over
4. Your address: 145 Murray Street; newspaper's headline: "82nd Airborne
Deployed To 148 Murray Street"
3. At Home Depot, you notice four Saddam doubles arguing about carpet
2. In driveway, Humvee with license plate "Ruthless 1"
1. Classified ad seeks "The mother of all affordable split-level homes"
Petmeds
Close Examination
A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No"
Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No"
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Theory of Life
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter:
"What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
The reporter asked.
She thinks back to her youth and replied, "No peer pressure!"
eharmony.com Find the Perfect Match!
"If A Dog Were Your Teacher" ... you would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...
run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.
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Health Inspector
The City Health Inspector walks into a new
restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen.
While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.
The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is
not wearing a shirt.
As if the Health Inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation
writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out
flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction
when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a
perfect patty in his armpit.
Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and
explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning
when he makes the donuts!"
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