JokeJam.com
7/3/2003
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Audubon
John James Audubon, pursuing an intense interest in the genetic traits of birds,
raised a colony of European crows. One day, he met a friend who inquired, ...
Bred any good rooks lately?"
Get a hot mama and be cheerful !
A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Petmeds
Wrinkles off
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two
years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous
boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" He happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles
out, this might be a good time to wash it."
3 Nuns
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you
know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines"
"What did you do?" The other nuns asked.
"Well of course I threw them in the trash".
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away
the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" They asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
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Love Lust & Marriage
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game
starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing
you're interested in is your golf score
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Husband's last requests
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away Last
night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last
requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
Clearance Items!
Viking Office Products Clearance Items
Q.
Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low?
A. Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!
Borders
Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down the mountain
across our fields, making endless little rivulets.
My wife spend much of the year working on the borders of these streams, working
hard to keep the borders clear and clean.
If there is anything she likes, ... it is to weed a good brook
Nun on cycle
Two nuns from a poor convent were having a bath together, to save water.
The first one asked "Where's the soap?" To which the second replied "Yes, it
does."
The same two nuns were riding a tandem bicycle down a cobbled alley.
The first said "I've never come this way before."
"Me neither," replied the second, slightly short of breath, "it must be the
cobblestones."
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