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7/4/2003
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The Newsboy
In Moscow, people felt sorry for the urchin who trudged along, bent under his
heavy load of newspapers.
But little Ivan held his head with pride, because, after all, ... he did have a
clutch of Tass
Pain
Three women, while traveling in a train, are discussing different types of pain.
The first woman says, "There is no pain like when you suffer a fracture".
The second woman says, "That's nothing. Post-surgical pain is the worst".
The third woman says, "I disagree. Pain during childbirth is the severest".
An old man who is resting up on the top bunk overhears this conversation and
interrupts them.
"I don't think you three have ever experienced a swift kick to the balls".
Petmeds
A DOG NAMED SEX
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."
He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like
a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then, I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then, I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the
motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't
care what you do."
I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Funny -- I have the same problem."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog
ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV."
He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then, I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said, "Me, too."
Last night, Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock
in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex.
My court case comes up next Friday.
Tell me that you love me
A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if
explicitly asked to do so.
The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making
love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.
I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When
making love, I explained, men will say anything.
"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear,"
I told her. The conversation rattled on from there.
A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making
love. I said, 'Tell me you love me.'
He said, 'I love you.'
I said 'Tell me you're the Easter Bunny.'
He stopped for a second, and said, 'I'm the Easter Bunny.'
So I slapped him."
The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.
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A muckay mon hiz ei a muckay tail
An elderly Scotsman, Linton MacPherson, strolled into his local pub, and sat at
the bar, and said to the manager,
"Mawn, A'm awfay drii...A'll taik a dram-a hair."
Manager "Yee'll hay a wee drap oa dhu Awld Kirk."
Linton "Dhawt's dhu rail Mackii!"
Manager "Heer'z luck, Linty, noa fugitten dhu weif un dhu bairnz."
Just then a wee bonnie lassie stood in the door, a bit bedraggled but like a
ripe fruit ready to pick.
Manager "A boanay fais sets a dish-cloot!"
Linton "Bettur a wee buss dhun nay beeld!"
Manager, lawkhin leik a beilt tawtay,
"Az dhu awld coak crawz, dhu yung yinz lairn.."
Linton calls to the girl "Hway'z awkht yee?"
Lassie "Dhaim ut gangz tay dhu herrin! D'yee noa
finnd a nestay smell?"
Linton "Dhawt cowz dhu gowan! It's aw fish, but it's
wawr tay bee hungray un naything tay eet!"
Lassie "Lawng may yur lum reek! A'll gar ye claw
hwair it's noa yookay!"
Linton "A lick un a promis oa mair..beitin un
scartin'z Scoach foak's ooin."
Lassie "A fil un hiz sullur'z shin pairtit."
Linton "Bettur un awld mawn'z dawrlin dhun a yung mawn'z kick-aboot! A'll taik a
shaiv aff dhu loaf!"
She lifts her skirts and says "Faw tay!"
Linton "Dhaim ut eets lawngist, luvz lawngist."
Dhu twa faw tay, dawnsin leik a hen oan a het girdul.
Dhur an awfay uday hwun cajurz reid, but hee may wawg his pow in a poopit yet.
Smoke bellows out of poor awld Linton's ears and his eyes pop out, he gasps "A'll
hay tay uway..." and suddenly he collapses on the floor.
The shocked girl asks what happened,
"A'm noa weel acqwent wi um...is hee bii hiz oardnur?"
Manager "Hee'z bii wee'd noo- uway, pair boaday."
Lassie "A'm sair vext tay heer dhawt..."
Manager, downing the glass in his hand, "Heer'z luck, Linty, noa furgittin dhu
weif un dhu
bairnz..."
Lassie, to the Manager, "Ye'll taik a bit beit ufoar a'm gawn?"
Manager "weel... fur Linty, fur awld teim'z saik..."
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Without A Reasonable Doubt
A defendant was on trial for murder.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would
probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer
said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in
this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door.
The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you
all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" Inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you
stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
The Lab Rat
The laboratory rat, despite all urging, stubbornly refused to perform the
assigned experiments.
After a while, however, he reconsidered, and
... wended his maze.
Blenders
The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home blenders
and mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which
reads like this: "When in the South, yu'all, be sure to come to see
the famous ... Dason Mixin' Line.
The Padre
Father O'Flaherty tried to enjoy himself at a baseball game, but the man sitting
next to him kept bothering him with lots of questions.
The priest bought a hot dog, and the vendor handed it to the talkative man.
He passed it along to Father O'Flaherty, who downed it in one gulp.
This was the first time a hot dog had ever gone . . .
From the prying fan into the friar.
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