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JokeJam Mailing
5/28/2003
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Target.com
Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart ---
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
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HP Ink-Jet Cartridges on sale!
Viking Office Products
Mother Superior's constipation
A nun walks into a liquor store and asks the proprietor for a fifth of whiskey.
He says that it wouldn't be appropriate for him to sell liquor to a nun.
She leans over the counter and whispers conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."
So he says that he'll sell her the whiskey on the condition that she keeps it in a brown paper bag and not tell anyone what it is.
An hour later he closes his store and walks back home through the park. He sees this same nun on a park bench, roaring drunk. He walks over to the bench and says, "For shame, Sister! I thought that the whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation."
And the nun replies, "It is, when she sees me, she'll shit.
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Overstock.com
Click here for FAST cash!
Lots of questions for a kid
A salesman calls this house, and the 3-year-old son answers the phone.
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your mother?"
The boy whispers in a very low voice, "She's busy."
The salesman asks, "Can I talk to your daddy?"
The kid whispers again, in a very low voice, "He's busy too."
The salesman then asks, "Is there anyone else there?"
The tot replies in the same quiet voice, "A policeman."
The salesman inquires, "Can I talk to the policeman?"
The boy repeats again, in a low whisper, "He's busy too."
The salesman again questions him and asks, "Is there anyone else there?"
The kid comes back in a whisper, "A fireman."
The salesman then wants to know if he can talk to the fireman.
And once again the tot whispers, "He's busy too."
By now the salesman is really wondering what is going on. He asks the boy, "What are they all doing?"
The little rug-rat replies, still in a very low whisper... "Looking for me."
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J&R Music World
Q. What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
A. An elephant in a baggie.
Q. How did the blonde try to catch an elephant?
A. She hid in the grass and made a sound like a peanut.
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their first night of the honeymoon?
A: Honey, now I know why you named your company Microsoft.
Q. What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half staff?
A. They're hiring.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
A. "Your face, or mine?"
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