2003

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This is a humor list that brings you jokes daily - Generally Clean Jokes - but some might be a bit off color - no really dirty jokes.

Indian Weather

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.

One day a wise Indian Elder went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for a week.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

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May I have your children?

Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon.

She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?"

As the children walked forward, several parents responded "yes."

One quick-witted father said, "For how long?"

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The hungry calf

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck!

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

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Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.

19) I can see the gun of Navarone.

18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17) You've got Windows in your laptop.

16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...

1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

NATIONAL DONUT DAY
Here is some humor to celebrate the special occasion

Donut Quote.

William Rosenberg, the food franchising pioneer who founded the Dunkin' Donuts chain has died. He was 86. They say his eyes just glazed over."

Jay Leno

Signs Your Police Partner Needs a Vacation

He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.

He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.

He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.

He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop."

He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.

He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.

He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.

The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.

Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.

He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

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Health Inspector

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen.

While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.

The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the Health Inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.

Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger.

The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.

Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

Facts (there is one about donuts in here)

A baby is born approx. every 7 seconds.

An estimated 10 tons of space dust falls on the Earth every day.

On average, a 4 year old child asks 437 questions a day.

Blue and white are the most common school colors.

Swimming pools in Phoenix, Arizona, pick up about 20 pounds of dust a year.

The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: 'What hath God wrought?'

The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were: 'Watson come here, I need you'.

The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: 'Mary had a little lamb'

Pluto's orbit crossed Neptune's, occasionally making Pluto the eighth planet from the sun from 1979 until 1999.

The earth is approx. 6,588,000,000,000,000,000 tons.

The force of 1 billion people jumping at the same time is equal to 500 tons of TNT.

Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.

The first word spoken on the moon was "Okay".

Neil Armstrong stepped on the moon with his left foot first.

The average speed of Heinz ketchup leaving the bottle is 25 miles per year.

Hilary Clinton once said 'We are the President'.

The reported percent of women who wash their hands after leaving a restroom is 80%.

The reported percent of men who wash their hands after using a restroom is 55%.

There are typically 333 toilet paper squares on a new toilet paper roll.

The Eiffel Tower has 2,500,000 rivets in it.

"Jaws" is the most common name for a goldfish.

On an average work day, a typist's fingers travel 12.6 miles.

The average American eats 2 donuts a day.

The longest word in the Old Testament is Malhershalahashbaz.

The longest recorded time a person has been in a coma is 37 years.

Every minute in the U.S 6 people turn 17.

It takes the Where's Waldo artist one month to complete a drawing.

About 2500 lefties die each year using products designed for righties.

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